He is my liberty. Only him? (Fyodor x reader x Nikolai)

Kiss the pain away

Suddenly you heard a knock on your door. Who could that be? Your father? No, definatly not. Your step mother? Probably not. One of the guests? They most likely didn't even know you exsisted. Then who was knocking on your door? It couldn't be one of the servants, they were too busy to serve the guests.

"Who's there?", you shouted, shifting uncomfortably.

It was quiet for a while before it knocked again. Then another time, harder, with more force. And then another time, even more firmer. You began to feel uneasy. Who was there? The knocking had turned into a hammering at your door when more hands joined in, knocking on your door repeatedly. It sounded like all the guests from downstairs were trying t get into your room at the same time, slamming their fists against your door, demanding entry.

Your breath began to become ragged, your body was trembling. Your heart was pounding violently in your chest, you heard it so clear and loud that you could swear the guests outside would be able to hear it. Cold sweat was trickling down your forehead and your palms. Your eyes and mouth were wide open and you were inhaling more breath than you normally would, yet it felt like none of it reached your lungs, making you choke on your own saliva. You were starting to panic.

Although it wasn't entirely because of whoever was trying to break your door down, no. It was mainly about the something standing behind you. You could sense the presence of something tall, intimidating towering behind you. It leaned forward, it's icy cold yet also disgustingly hot breath tickling in your neck, making the hairs there stand up.

You could swear that creature was grinning at you in your panicked, miserable state. You must have looked so defenseless, so vulnerable, so.. pathetic. Like a scared little mouse facing a big, hungry cat. The shadows around you were spinning, the noises of fists hitting on wood blurred out as the breathing behind you got louder and louder. You felt how hot, burning tears trickled down your cheeks and how you couldn't move an inch. Your body was frozen like you were suddenly turned into stone.

Slowly you began to lose consciousness.

With a loud gasp you woke up on the couch in your living room. You were in the exact same ccondition like you were in your dream. Shivering, sweating, tears rolling down your face. Even though you escaped your dream, your mind was still partly trapped in there. Reality and dream began to blur and overlap, making it impossible to difference what was real and what was an illusion.

With trembling legs you got up, the world spinning around you. You breathed rapidly as you began to stumble forward, almost falling but catching yourself multiple times as you moved with no plan on what to do. You were still partially dreaming so you couldn't make out your suuroundings. Your eyes were still seing shadows lurking around you, mocking you, even though they had no face to show an expression, no voice to make noises or even a body to make movements.

And there was still this entity behind you. It didn't do anything, it was just there and yet you know that it didn mean anything good. It was dangerous, there to hurt you in every way possible. It just waited for the right moment to strike.

Suddenly a sharp pain in your wrist got you out of your dream for a split second. Then another one and another one. With each stinging sensation you gained more consciousness until you found yourself on the floor of your bathroom. Slowly you catched your breath and regained a clear vision.

The light in the bathroom was uncomfortably garish and the air felt colder than normally. You sat on freezing tiles of your bathroom, your back leaning against the wall behind you. Carefully you moved your burning wrist slightly, making you hiss slightly in pain. You noticed that you were holding something else in your other hand. As you looked down, you saw a glass shard in your right hand. One with a sharp edge, which was covered in fresh, scarlet red blood.

As you looked at your left wrist, you noticed about ten red lines, carved into your skin and blood trickling out of them. You opened your dry mouth but no sound came out. It ws awefully silent, the only sound you could hear was the beat of your own heart as you began to cry again, silent tears forming in your eyes, rolling down your cheeks, wandering beneath your chin and the dropping down from there.

You had to remember the on deceased friend, who's grave you often visited. Her arms had exact same cuts on them only a lot more of them. What has she felt when she inflicted them on herself? Did she cry? Was she calm? Did she feel anything at all? Was it painful for her? Or did the pain not matter to her? Did she even feel the pain? From your time at university you knew that self harm kind of relieved people who did it from their mental pain. Was that what she felt? Relief?

You could slightly understand that now. The pain let you escape your horrible nightmare or whatever that was. It felt... good. The blood drops forming from the cuts was a satisfying sight and burning sensation numbed your mind, all these dark, dangerous thoughts. With a deep breath, you placed the blood stained edge of the glass shard on your wrist again.

Just as you were about to slice it across your skin, a cold pale hand gripped your right one, preventing you from harming yourself further. Startled you raised your head for your eyes to meet dark violette ones, staring into yours intensely. With a dry sob, you let the glass shard fall to the floor. You began to cry again as you felt Fyodor wrapping his arms around you and helping you to get up. When you finally had stood up, standing there with trembling legs, he lead you to the counter next to the sink.

He motioned you to sit on it and left you for a short moment to get a first aid kit. He placed it beside you on the counter and carefully began to disinfect the cuts on your wrist. You silently hissed in pain but soon adjusted to the burning sensation. After he had gently disinfected your wounds, he began to slowly wrap bandages around them. He secured the bandages and finished the treatment, he placed a gentle kiss on your wrist.

This action only made you tear up more, burrying your face in your hands.

"What have I done?", you sobbed, unable to look at the russian due to a heavy feeling of shame and guilt.

Fyodor carefully wrapped his arms around you again, embracing you in a gentle, comforting hug.

"Shhh... Всё в порядке...everything's fine now...", he whispered in your ear soothingly.

"But...what I did...I...I...", you replied with a shaky voice.

"No buts. Some mistakes get made. That's alright. That's okay." He sighed. "You have to learn from mistakes though. Therefor you must never do this again, да? Find other ways to deal with your emotions, but never harm yourself again."

You nodded, slowly calming down. Fyodor wiped away your remaining tears with his sleeve before hugging you tighter, making you fall into another slumber.

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Всё в порядке = It's okay

да? = yes?

(With google translator)

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