Don't Call Me Jagi

Chapter 12

"I want..." Jisung started, his voice cracking as his eyes really stung now. He refused to let the tears form. "I want whatever you want, Minho. I mean that."

And he did. If Minho wanted to pull back, surely Jisung could give him that. He had already given him so much, didn't Jisung owe him the one thing he was asking for?

He moved to stand, Minho finally looking up at him as his foot splashed out of the water. Jisung wiped it on the bathmat before bending to pick up his socks and shoes.

"Um, I guess I should go then?" he asked, feeling sad at how desperately he wanted Minho to change his mind and tell him to stay.

Minho nodded once more, not saying anything this time.

"Okay. Well. Good talk, hyung. I'll....I'll leave you to it." He didn't look back as he walked out of the bathroom and out of Minho's room.

He got back to his room and was relieved that yet again, Seungmin wasn't there. He immediately locked himself up in the bathroom and slid down to sit on the floor. He refused to cry over this. He could not cry over this. Minho would still be in his life. Wasn't that enough, even if he couldn't have him as entirely as he really wanted? He had only realized his feelings for Minho last night, maybe he could go back to thinking how he did before then.

He gripped his legs, digging his fingernails into the rough skin right below his knees. He felt so stupid. If he had just figured out his feelings sooner, couldn't he have avoided this depressing drawback? Even Hyunjin had figured out Jisung's feelings sooner.

But....Jisung had to hand it to him. Minho had a point. It was just like Chan said, wasn't it? It could tear the group apart if they made a single misstep. Him having feelings for Minho, wanting to be with Minho...was it worth risking the group--essentially risking the careers of his six close friends and the person he might care about the most in the world?

Not to mention himself. If anything went wrong and the group imploded, he'd be starting back at square one. I'd...have to move back in with my parents while I figured my shit out, he thought, shuddering at the thought.

The fact that he still couldn't shake his parents' judgmental words and looks, years later as he was just discovering his real feelings for another man, it was already too much just to be reminded of them, let alone having to consider living under their roof yet again.

He stood and gripped the sides of the sink counter looking at himself in the mirror, as he did when he had to get real with himself.

"You can do this, stupid," he said to mirror Jisung. "You like him, so what? You waited eleven years to reunite with him. What's eleven more? What's forever if it means you get to be near him in the meantime?"

He resisted the urge to slap himself in the face, he wanted to snap himself out of this all-encompassing gloom he felt. Every time he talked to himself in the mirror like this, he could swear his reflection looked at him knowingly.

"I can do this," he said again, trying to manifest being okay with the situation. He took some deep breaths and turned on the sink, splashing his face with some cold water.

I can do this.

-------------------------

The good news was that after that first day, Jisung could at least throw himself into their remaining two performances in Tokyo.

Seungmin had been weirdly absent from their room, but Jisung spent a lot of time tagging along with Hyunjin and Felix when they went out to explore the city, and when they had downtime at the venue before their shows, Jisung would practically cling to whoever was around who wasn't Minho.