Unsent letters

Pt 3: why cant u just care?

Always fighting for someone to care.

It's absolutely EXHAUSTING. I feel like In every relationship where I really care about somebody and want them to care about me — they don't.

I feel like I'm always fighting to feel loved, even when it's a family member.

All the people I want to care about me COULDNT care less and it's actually so funny. I put my all into relationships no matter who you are and I love so hard. I forgive easily and will stop at nothing to make sure the people I care about are loved and happy.

But I hardly ever get that same energy back and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Maybe I'm just too much, or maybe I've just got high expectations?

But is just wanting a little bit of time to be made for me expecting to much? Is just a little "hey how are you?" Text too much?

Five seconds out of your day. That's all I need.

Maybe IM just too much. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe me wanting you to care is too bothersome, in turn making you pull away.

In that case I apologize that my love is too much for you.

And I try to harden myself sometimes and conform to that "idgaf" mindset, but it's like a switch with me. I can't do that without completely shutting you out, it's never a medium. Either I care way too much or I force myself to not care at all.

Why do I constantly have to beg for something that should be given?

I seriously don't understand it. It is so frustrating and I'm struggling to even articulate how it makes me feel because the feeling is just so sickening.

My crippling fear of abandonment from people I care about is what makes this whole thing worse because I'll tolerate their horrible treatment bc the one second that they give me attention and act all sweet is the second I'll forget about every horrible way they've ever treated me.

And oh my god do I HATE THAT.

I hate it so much because the second that attention is withdrawn again is the moment I'll be right back here having a panic attack over the fact that I never feel like enough for anybody. And I hate writing shit like this.

It makes me feel like a mess and like I'm too much and like a train wreck but this is my last resort to not fucking implode on myself.

I'm so real guys 😇😇😇