Unsent letters

Pt 1: Why Are You Still With Me?

TW// potential grooming

To this day I still have no idea what to make of our relationship. You were 22 years older than me and your treatment was extremely conflicting.

Still, today I'm on the fence on whether or not I can say for a fact that you were grooming me, but every single person in my life around that time definitely thinks that you were.

To be fair, I didn't know much about your story other than what you let me in on. Maybe you were just lonely? You had no kids, you weren't married. Maybe you saw me as your daughter.

The way you treated me was interesting, and it extended to nobody else.

The petnames you called me, the way you comforted me, our interactions.

Maybe part of it was my 14 year old self at the time creating scenarios in my head because of how you were treating me. Maybe my reality got distorted.

But in my defense, when you're an adult calling a teenager you never met before, things like babydoll, MY babygirl, MY pretty, smart, sweet girl on a daily basis how could I not feel special? Especially when you've done no such thing to anyone else.

When I was around you with my friends, you ignored them. I was the only person who existed in your world.

Times when we were alone in your room, maybe just talking or that time you held me while I was crying and said a very specific thing about my "pretty face".

That time we were in the hallway, and you grabbed onto the sleeve of my arm and held onto me when you thought that I was gonna bump into somebody.

Everytime you saw me, you'd hug me.

That one time I was gone for about a week and when I got back you kissed me on my hair.

I've blocked a lot of memories of you out. Just writing this, I've dug up a lot of stuff I'd forgotten and I feel a little sick. I feel like I want to cry.

But I still don't understand. I still don't understand if I even have any right to feel this way. Because it's very possible that what happened wasn't grooming and you meant absolutely no harm.

It's very possible that maybe you just saw me as a daughter, but why when I think about you do I feel sick?

Why did I almost have a panic attack writing this?

And most importantly, even after years of not seeing you why do I still go over this situation in my head?

Why can't I stop questioning what it was and Why are you still with me?