Mama Knows Best

"I've disappointed you."

The next day as I leave my room I find my mom sitting in the living room with a book carelessly enjoying her Saturday. I try not to disturb her as I head towards the door but as I begin to turn the knob she coughs and I turned to watch her place her book carefully on her lap.

"Pepper come sit with me for a while." She says patting the empty spot next to her on the loveseat. I adjust the old grey cotton t-shirt I'm wearing as I take a seat next to her. There's silence for a moment before she begins to laugh as her eyes rake over me.

"What's funny?" I question, as my lip begins to frown. She shakes her head as she rubs my arm and smile.

"It's nothing Pepper. I'm just thinking about how much you've grown. It's so hard to believe it was sixteen years ago you were born and now look at you. You're already in your junior year of high school Ugh where does the time go and with your brother finishing his this year-." She sighs as she begins to rub away tears that begin to form in the corner of her eyes and I take her manicured hand in my own.

"I'm gonna have an empty next" she whispered softly.

"Mama its gonna be okay." I reassure her as I rub the back of her hand. She nods knowingly as she begins to look out the nearest window.

"I'm so proud of you both. I don't think that I ever say that enough. You know Pepper when I was your age I was wild and out of control. I partied and disobeyed my parents and you know grandma and grandpa only wanted the best for me you know. Then the day before my 17th birthday I found out I was pregnant with your brother and not even a year after that I found out I was pregnant with you, I always say that you two saved my life because I finished high school, got out of the streets, and have been doing everything I can just so one day I'd be able to take care of my children. You two are God's greatest gifts to me and I want nothing but the best for you too."

I try to fight the tears but they quickly spill as I listen to her words. Mama buries my head into her chest as she holds me tightly up against her.

"Don't cry Pepper. I want you both to go to college and do everything I never got the chance to do. I'm already so proud of you both." She whispers as she rubs my back and only when I know my tears have stopped do I begin to pull away.

"Now enough with the tears." Mama laughs as she wipes her cheeks.

"Where are you off to looking so plain?"

I shrug as I finger the edge of my shirt unable to look her in the eyes.

"I'm gonna go hang out with Trinity for a while before she has to go to work."

Mama nods as she lifts her book from her lap and readjusts her reading glasses.

"Do you need money for the bus?"

"No. Trinity is here to pick me up so you don't have to worry about it."

Mama looks out the window as Trinity beeps her horn and I push myself to my feet.

"Mama, I'm sorry I've disappointed you." I say sadly as I head towards the door. My mother gives me a puzzled look but shakes her head turns her attention back to her book.

"You know could never disappoint me Pepper. Have fun and be safe." She calls

"Not yet." I whisper as I shut the door.

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As soon as I get in the car we head to the nearest CVS. Even with Trinity with me I've nervous as I headed into the drugstore. Every step feels like another weight being put on my chest and I swear if it was possible my heart would have beat itself out of my chest in the parking lot. I follow Trinity to the aisle that has all the family planning items and I stare at the long assortment of pregnancy test, ovulation calculator, and fertility pills. It's intimating. Trinity glances at me quickly noticing my nervousness and steps forwards grabbing a box that happens to contain two test.

"We can do one at my house and you can take another one in a day or two just to be sure ya know."

I nod as I follow her towards the register. The women whose working is older and she gives Trinity a disgusted look as she rings up the test. Trinity doesn't seem to notice as the older women finalizing the order and I move to hand her the twenty dollar bill to pay for the test.

"I've got it." Trinity says assumingly as she quickly stuffs the twenty back into my hands and pulls her debit card from her wallet. The cashier hands us the receipt and we leave heading back to Trinity's house.

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I'm thankful that her parents are home as she parks her car and leads us into the house. Trinity's house is almost 3x bigger than our apartment. The girl lived in what would be considered a mansion here in the city.

"I'll wait outside the door. Okay?" I nod as I hide inside the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I stare at the small purple box as I watch my hands visibly begin to shake.

Moment of truth, Huh

Finally I admit to myself how scared I am and before I finally open the box I say a small pray and hope that I've only been over reacting and stressing for nothing. I find the instructions and carefully glance over them before I pull the small test from its packet.

I pee on the stick and replace the cap as I move and open the door to allow Trinity to come inside.

"Well..?" She asks looking almost as nervous as I am.

"We have to wait three minutes."

We both sit on the floor under the counter where the test sits innocently. Three minutes is technically nothing but in that moment it felt like forever. Trinity set the timer on her phone and when it finally does go off neither of us are able to move.

"Pepper..." She calls after I continue to find myself glued to my spot. In that moment I swear if I wasn't telling myself to breath I would have suffocated. She rubs the back of my fingers as she tries to urge me to move.

"Pepper you have to look." She argues as she stands and turns her head to avoid from looking at the test. Slowly she tugs me to my feet and when I see how pale my olive skin looks in the mirror I begin to worry that I might spill my lunch. I glance down at the test as if it's a death sentence thankful that I had turned it over to hide the results.

"It's simple Pepper. If you're pregnant it'll be a plus if you're not then it will be a minus okay." I nod numbly.

I grab the test with my hand and pull it close to my chest. I close my eyes as I take a deep breath and try to search for even a little ounce of courage.

Finally when I can't take the anticipation and the fear has becomes crippling I turn the test over and as I open my eyes there's a knock on the bathroom door.