The Story of Us

Twenty

We have arrived. It is the day I lost everything. September 6, 2023. I got up early to go do some paperwork so I could substitute for Claremont School District. I was going to start my new job in 6 days at the regional center, making more money and driving less. Hell, I even asked his permission to take this job because I know he was tired of me bouncing from job to job. I can't say that isn't fair; I had a lot of bad luck in the last year. He stuck by me through all of that, why would he not stick through it now?

I guess I'll never know.

On my way home from the school district he sent me the "we need to talk." text on Snapchat again. I said ok, and he told me he's off at 6. I decided to not live with the anxiety for 9+ hours and asked "Can you just tell me now if that's your way of breaking up with me or do you actually want to talk about things?"

His response? "Yup"

When I asked to which one he responded, "the first."

And that's when my heart completely shattered into pieces that I don't think I will ever be able to recover.

He then followed it up by saying, "wanted to do it in person cuz i respect you."

If you respect me, it wouldn't have been "the first one". If you respected me, you wouldn't have pulled the "we need to talk" crap. If you respected me, you wouldn't have played games with me over the last month. If you respected me, you wouldn't have talked to me the way you did. If you respected me, you would've been a God damn man and talked to me about your fucking feelings rather than dropping a fucking nuke on my life.

All the lies he ever told me flashed before my eyes. Promises of getting engaged, a wedding, kids. Promises of forever. Promises of being his one and only. All these words, just lies. It stung so bad. I don't think he will ever understand how much this hurt, as much as he tries to say it hurt him too.

When we had talked about marriage, he had said we would never get divorced, that we would take the space we need and come back together to work it out. And every time I brought it up after he broke up with me, he ignored the fact. He said that he would be moving out within the next week and that "things have gotten to a point where this isn't working anymore". I will probably never know what that means. How was it not working anymore? The only thing I could see is that he became cold and stopped communicating with me. When I pointed out that he wasn't going to comment on how he wasn't willing to talk about things, he replied with, "whats the point? im clearly the bad guy here. its just gonna be another arguement."

Honestly, at the time, the only reason I felt like he was the bad guy was because he wasn't willing to even try to talk to me. And, I tried to explain that. "I'm not saying you are, although now it kind of feels like you are. There are things we both need to work on; I'm willing to nicely tell you how I feel and how we can improve while you felt the need to tear open old wounds. I hope you get therapy and all the help you need."

His response? "I wish u the best" followed by a shrugging emoji.

I cried. Harder than I ever thought possible. I reacted terribly in private. I stabbed a canvas with a picture of us printed on it over and over to get my frustration out. When I left the room, Penzo had the dog.

I didn't get to say goodbye to Axel. 

I went to look at an apartment, since there was no way I could afford to stay in ours on my own. My friend came with me and he took me out to lunch. I rushed home after to beat Stephen home so I could throw away the canvas.

He had come home on his lunch and started moving his stuff into the living room. There is no way he hadn't seen it.

In tears, I called my "best friend" Jessica. She told me I could come over and watch a movie and that she'd order some pizza. So, I did. We were watching our favorite musical, In the Heights, and I asked her to text him to see when he would be done at the apartment. I didn't want to see him; part of me was afraid of crying and breaking down in front of him while the other part was afraid I would commit homicide if I saw him. So she texted him for me, but not how I wanted. She made small talk by texting him "Hey, I heard what happened. I am sorry". So, he took that opportunity to call her. She looked at me, shocked, debating on if she should answer it. I encouraged her. I kind of regret that now. They started talking like old friends, her asking how he's doing and all that shit. At one point, he even sounded a bit choked up and I felt a little hope growing, but that would be stomped out. It became a shit talk session with me sitting right there, with him on speaker.

It's so ironic, because a lot of the things he said were a lie. He said he hated going to Disneyland with me, yet out of the five or so times I took him, three were with his friends (not mine) and one was just the two of us, which I told him he didn't have to do but he said he wanted to. So, which one is it? Did you want to go or were you just saying that in an attempt to make me happy? He seemed happy while we were there. On top of that, I had gone to the junkyard with him multiple times, which he declared as his Disneyland, with no complaints.

Another thing he said was that I complained when watching his T.V. shows but that he sat through mine. About 99% of the time, we watched what he wanted to. I watched so many Burt Krieischer specials, "Uncle Joey" podcasts, Cleetus McFarland YouTube videos, and Street Outlaws. He'd put on Diesel Brothers (still don't really know what that is) and The Wild Thornberries (which, honestly, I didn't care for when it originally aired... if it it has Tim Curry). If I had complained about all that, then why can I tell you my two favorite people from Street Outlaws are really named Justin Shearer and Shawn Ellington? Their real names are never mentioned in the show, they're known as Big Chief and Murder Nova. If I didn't like the show, why would I remember that shit? I also find it hilarious that the shows he said I watched, I never watched. "90 Day Fiance" and "Say Yes to the Dress". I'll admit, I used to watch "Say Yes to the Dress", but not since I started dating him. You know who did watch TLC shows? His mother. He confused me for his mother.

He also acted like the fact I was looking at one bedroom apartments hurt. It's so funny that I was looking into these for us, not just me. But he took it how he wanted to. That's what he has fun with, twisting things and memories. Gaslighting.

He said I wasn't taking my medication and that when I was on my medication I was "so much better". I had just gotten my insurance back a month or so before, had started seeing a psychiatrist recently and had just begun taking the medication again after not having insurance for five months. You would think the son of a nurse would know that medication can take some time to kick in but I guess not.

He continued on a tirade of all the ways I fucked up, but never once stated anything he could've done better. He wanted to make sure my "best friend" knew he dumped me because I was flawed, as if he had nothing to work on. I had openly admitted earlier that day that I am not perfect and that I wanted to work on ourselves together, as a team. Like a couple should be. He didn't see it that way. At one point, he mentioned he was staying with his dad and not to tell me. Of course, I already knew that was where he was going. Where else would he go? He has nobody.

He ended the phone conversation with "You can tell her everything I said."

I wonder if he knew I was sitting right there, listening to all the lies he spewed.