Not A Verstappen || CL16 & LN4

Untitled Part 16

You looked at the joint in your hand, an angry blister appearing where it had burnt you, and saw the tip was still aglow. Rolling it in your fingers you started to lift it to your lips as you wondered what it would taste like, if it would relax your racing mind and tired body.

"We're leaving," Lando growled as he grabbed your wrist and started to drag you back inside, the joint falling to the floor.

"What happened?" Charles asked the moment he saw the hard look on Lando's face and tight grip on your limp arm.

"I don't know, ask Spitfire. Miss Verstappen here is starting fights and taking drugs now apparently."

"Don't call her that."

"Maybe Daddy Dearest and I can share a cell one day, work on that father/daughter bond we never had," you laughed darkly. "Oh wait, no we can't because he only got home detention and gets to spend all day with Kelly and Blue playing happy families."

"Non, non, your lawyer said Jos would get three years minimum," Charles said as he looked between you and Lando with disbelief. "His stunt could have killed you."

"I know. I was there, funnily enough." You shifted on your feet wishing you hadn't worn heels and you debated kicking them off. "At least Blue doesn't have to grow up without a dad - at least she will think he gives a shit about her."

Lando's fingers eased their grip from your wrist and slipped down to hold your hand. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Because it doesn't matter. It would only upset you and it doesn't bother me - I have a restraining order against him."

"But it is obviously bothering you, baby," he said as he shared a look with Charles. "We've both noticed you've been acting a little crazy for a while."

"Well I only found out after we got here so thanks for that. Look, I'm just going to head back to the hotel and find mum." You pulled away from them as the laser lights caught the shimmer of tears running down your cheeks. "I don't want to ruin your night any more than I already have."

"Wait, no," Lando argued as he took a step after you, tripping over the heels you had slipped off before disappearing into the crowd and missing his quiet words, "you haven't ruined anything."

--

Your feet ached from the run to the hotel and your boobs weren't feeling much better. The clubbing dress wasn't exactly one that a supportive bra could fit under so you felt each slap of your feet on the pavement reverberate up your body and bounce them uncomfortably. A few people stared as you rushed by but most people out at the late hour had their own problems to deal with rather than worrying about the person running like a madwoman down the street.

"Am I crazy?"

Your mother looked a little perplexed as she opened the door to her suite wider to let you in, her eyes narrowing at your bare feet as you walked past panting. "Is this a serious question or rhetorical?"

"I'm being serious, mum."

"Well," she said as she pointed to the couch and turned off the TV that was playing the evening news, "I think you are safe if you're asking that. Most crazy people wouldn't ask if they are crazy."

You fell into the couch heavily and rubbed your temples furiously. "There's something wrong with me though."

You felt the seat beside you sink in as she sat down before she pulled your hands away. "Why do you say that, honey?"

"I don't know, I just feel off. Unbalanced. I keep fucking things up with Lando and Charles and I know one day they will get sick of it and leave me. And I wouldn't blame them."

"Those boys love you, and what you three have is special but relationships are hard, sweetheart. They take time and energy to maintain. You have to work to keep them going strong, work on both the relationship and yourself." She paused as she looked at your hands in hers, your nails almost non-existent from the biting habit that had resurfaced in recent months. "What's really on your mind? I haven't seen you this stressed since your first karting race."

"Fuck," you swore under your breath as you pulled your knees up to your chest and wiped your eyes. "I don't know what I'm doing, mum. Last year I had Max on my team and I knew he had my back, now I feel like I have a target on mine."

"I thought Lawernce was pleased with your work."

"Points equal money so Lawrence is happy, but Lance is struggling more than me at getting them lately. The upgrades just aren't doing enough and the further I get ahead in the standings the tenser things are with him, but I need to push harder. I have no hope of beating Max or Checo without the RB19, so, so, so maybe I'm just not that good a driver like everyone said."

"Oh, honey," she cooed softly as she wrapped an arm around your shoulders and tucked you into her side. "You are a great driver, no matter the car."

"I want to believe that but I'm second guessing myself over every decision I've made and it makes me so angry that I'm snapping at everyone around me, especially Charles and Lando. I know I'm the problem, mum, I just don't know how to fix me, or if I even can be...What if there's just too much Verstappen in here?" Your fist slammed against your chest and as if to prove your point the sound was as hollow as you felt.

Sitting up straight, your mother gave you the look that made you shift uncomfortably before her lips parted. "You listen to me, and you listen well: you are not broken, and there is nothing to 'fix'. Max, Victoria and Blue all share the same blood as you and they are not broken either. You are more than who your father is and there is nothing wrong with being a Verstappen."

"Then why didn't you call me that? If it's not that bad, why isn't it on my birth certificate?"

Your mother sighed deeply and she suddenly looked tired - as if her age was catching up with her at the late hour. "Honey, I was your age when I found out I was pregnant. I was young and heartbroken and alone."

You couldn't blame her, you could hardly imagine trying to raise a kid alone, especially one that was a reminder of what was probably the worst betrayal she had faced. It had probably put her off ever wanting another relationship again. "How come you never dated anyone after Jos?"

"I dated other men, honey. I didn't become a nun," she teased with a nudge of her shoulder. "You just never met any of them."

You tried not to think about the nun statement too much but you couldn't help asking, "Why?"

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Because you are the most precious gift I ever received and I wasn't going to bring just anyone into our home. The only man I wanted to bring home was one prepared to be a father to you, we were a package deal."

Your brows pinched together as you understood yet another sacrifice she had made for you growing up. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. You'll understand it when you're a mother one day - when you're older, much older, and retired from racing." She patted your knee twice at the knock on the door and stood up to open it. "Evening gentlemen, come to collect our Champ?"

You looked to the door and found Lando leaning against the frame with your heels hanging from his fingertips. Charles stood beside him with a hand on his waist.

"Actually, we were wondering if we could have a family meeting."