Survivor's Remorse

(XVI) Marked

Johanna and Dr.Aurelius stared at each with amusement but wariness, when I sat down with her across from him.

"Well, this is quite the surprise. I didn't expect to see you today Ms.Mason"
"Right back at ya doc. Soooo, if this is some type of intervention...", she trails off with a roll of the eyes, moving to slide off the couch.
"I've been under the impression that you were doing phenomenal, thriving in your roll as representative for your district. Have I been misled?", he teased, looking at her over the top of his glasses.
"Jo this isn't about you", I whisper lowly, grabbing her hand as I rubbed my thighs together. "I need you here. I realized a long time ago, it's not so hard to talk about this kind of stuff when you're around. You make it easier for me"

Johanna's gaze flies to my bowed head, as she squeezes my fingers twice, without hesitation.

"I take it, as you've brought her here, anything discussed in our session today, is alright with you for Johanna to hear?"
"Yes", I nod.
"So...to start, I'd like to thank you for allowing me a few extra days for your meeting. Thanks to you, Joshua had a major breakthrough with his treatment"
"He's not the only one", I mumble, still holding onto Johanna's hand, as I begin to rock.
"Have you also had a revelation?"
"Did you get my blood tested yet?", I counter still feeling weird having to talk about this.
"Is that why you're so anxious right now?"
"Yeah. Something isn't right. I've got...that itch. I have Peeta now. It should be gone and even if it wasn't, it shouldn't happen this early. On top of that, everything that happened with Snow's torture chamber and then two days ago.... I don't know. Am I really me?"
"Slow down. Let's start at the beginning. I know you wanted this meeting because of your concerns, and about the anger you felt, feeling alien to you, correct?"
"Yes and no?"
"Care to share?"
"I was angry and I don't really remember it all but, I knew it felt good. The more I destroyed, the better I felt. I started to scratch myself because I could feel that I was losing myself, the deeper I slipped into just letting it all out. I kept going in and out of this...trance? I guess you could call it? Of giddy rage. But it felt so good. That couldn't have been me if I wasn't really conscious of the whole process, right? Like, the mutt version still has a handle on me in some ways. It's like, she'll always be lurking in the back...waiting for the chance to take over again"
"It sounds like you're boiling, what is actually quite normal PTSD reactions and triggers, in the same pot that our torture was cooked in. They are similar beasts but they are NOT the same"
"Peeta puts up a good front but...he has PTSD from the Quell too. He and Finnick struggled with the fact that the Capitol had you and Annie bad...it's a well-kept secret but, they kept each other as sane as they could be, when thinking about you guys", Johanna admits lowly. "I know Finnick was worried about me, because we've always been like siblings, but it's different when it's the love of your life. To know that someone was hurting you both...Finnick knows firsthand what it's like when the Capitol hates and lusts after you. He spared Peeta most of what type of things he knew you'd go through but he didn't hide it all. Peeta would black out for days at a time when he thought about it for too long. They'd find him in broom closets just mumbling to himself, in the kitchens pounding away at dough until his hands were raw, at odd hours of the night, unable to sleep. I know he probably hasn't told you this stuff but...he didn't do as well as he acts like he did. It's one of the reasons they had to rescue us. Peeta wouldn't speak for the rebellion without you anymore. He couldn't. He was losing control of his sense of reality too"
"I didn't know. I thought...I just assumed he'd be ok"
"He wasn't, believe me"
"Ms.Mason", Aurelius warns. "I'm not under some hypocritical oath doc, you are", she snarks .
"I just don't ever want to be her again. If I ever hurt him I... I'd kill myself"
"Well, let me put some of your worries to rest. Yes, there is trackerjacker venom in your bloodstream"
"So I-"