He is my liberty. Only him? (Fyodor x reader x Nikolai)

Smoking words

This part of your life was the happiest. Every day you would wake up, feeling like the world was only there for you two. The sun would only shine if both of you were outside, the birds would only chirp if you could hear them and the food was only tasty when you two ate it. Every night you would fall asleep, feeling like you just had the best drug trip of your life. It felt too good to be real and yet it was.

Then everything crashed together, when your father send you to germany, the home country of your biological mother, to study. You had to leave everything behind and move to a new, unfamiliar country. You had to leave Nikolai. This was the part where your relationship fell apart and your mind got plagued by sorrow and darkness again.

Over the time you slowly began to feel better again. You lived your life, finally free from the grasp of your parents, especially your father who was very controlling and could live your life after your idea of it. You even went to therapy and talked to a therapist regualrly until you were stable enough.

And then, suddenly, Nikolai stood in front of your door with Fyodor in his arms.

Right now you sat in the kitchen, at the window. It was late evening and Nikolai and Fyodor already went to bed. You on the other hand were awake, looking into the dark outside, drowning in your dark thoughts. Breathing felt harder than ever and every movement seemed to hurt. You cold, alone and helpless like someone who got burried by an avalanche.

With a slightly trembling hand you reached for your phone and searched through your contacts. Eventually you found the number of your old therapist and called him. You waited for a while, the sound of the phone feeling creepy in the dark environment, until you hung up sighing. Of course he wouldn't be available at this time.

You put your phone away and went over to a shelf taking two things out. Two things you haven't neede for a long time yet still always had in store. A lighter and a pack of cigarettes. You sat down at the window again and opened it. Cold air hit your face but you couldn't care less about that now. You took out a cigarette, lit it up and took a drag, slowly blowing the smoke over your tongue out into the cold winter air.

You were about to take another drag as you suddenly felt a hand grab yours, holding the cigarette away from your mouth. You flinched together and turned your head around to see the sad face of Nikolai. You stared at him as he sat down beside you, carefully taking the cigarette out of your hand.

"Stop that, it's not good for anyone", he whispered, putting the cigarette out on the sink. You felt your heart sting at his low, gentle voice, you fingers begin to shiver.

"What do you want, Nikolai?", you muttered, looking down onto your lap. He sighed.

"I wanted to apologize. For everything."

You looked up at him surprised. The man in front of you wasn't the Nikolai that you knew. This was another side of him that you barely ever saw. The last time years ago. His sad, regretful expression, no hint of his usual boisterous and jokingly demeanor.

"Everything, huh?" Your voice was surprisingly calm as you looked out the window again.

"Yes", he spoke quietly. "I know how you feel about me and that you still haven't moved on. I can't blame or judge you, because... to be honest, I haven't either."

You turned your head to l him, now looking directly into his eyes.

"(Y/N), I still love you. I missed you so much. But the thing is, Fyodor...", he stopped. He looked away again, having a troubled expression on his face.

"I can't really describe it in words but he makes me feel something similar to what i felt with you, yet still it is something completly diffrent. I love you, but... he... he is... he is my liberty."

He looked up at you and you could swear you saw tears in his eyes.

"Do you understand?"

You stayed quiet for a while, looking down again.

"Fyodor is a strange man of great intellect. I think everyone can sense the presence he has. Something that couldn't be described as human. It is something far more, like he could make your every wish come true. Yet he still feels dangerous, like a threat, always looming over humanity, ready to destroy it at any moment given. I think I know what you mean."

Nikolai's worried expression faded into a hopeful one, leaning closer to you. You also leaned in closer until your lips were only inches apart.

"Then you feel it too?", he whispered. "The feeling of being imprisoned, like a bird captured in a golden cage, having everything he needs to survive, but never had the feeling of freedom?"

You nodded. Nikolai's pupils where wide extended and so were yours. Both of you were mesmerized by each other, lost in the moment, drowning in the eyes of your counterpart. Your breath hitched as Nikolai's and your lips met, sharing a tender kiss. At this moment time stood still as two lost lovers found each other again.

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