November 2023

She never knew

Everything was calm. The wind was slowly blowing, accompanying the falling leaves on their journey to the ground. November was not the busiest period of the hotel. But there came, from time to time, curious visitors who heard about the rumor, or just people in need of a bed for the night.

I was on the cliff, when she arrived. From there, I had a stunning view of the hotel and it's surroundings. when I saw her car coming down the hallway, I ran towards the hotel. She still had it, an old cherry red car. I never imagined I would ever see her again. I was so happy that I ignored Becky, the old gardener's dog and my only living friend, when she happily walked towards me.

A few years had passed, but she was still so beautiful. She was wearing a long white dress tied on the waist with a pearl belt, showcasing her sweet feminine curves. Her black frizzy hairs were arranged in a simple yet sophisticated bun, with white and yellow flowers pinned in it. Her pink lips were stretched by a cheerful smile, and her dark brown eyes were sparkling. I couldn't help smiling at the sight of her happiness. As long as she was happy, I didn't care about the reason.

However, I quickly saw the reason for her happiness. He stepped out of the car shortly after her, wearing a white suit and an evenly bright smile on the face. At his sight, my smile faded and a profound jealousy filled my heart. Especially when I noticed the silver matching rings on their fingers.

A parking valet came towards them and took the car keys after they charged their luggage in a trolley. She passed through me, without even noticing my presence, and went directly to the receptionist, hands in hands with that man. As I watched her, I was reminded of the times I met her.

Again, she never noticed me then. After all, I was just a waiter. She was a sunshine in my days full of foods I served but could not enjoy. Whenever she stepped into the pub, her smile lightened the place. It sounds stupid, but I first fell for her smile. As a waiter, smiling was part of my job. Clients on the other side were not required to smile. But she always smiled.

As she became a regular, I got to know her a little more. I learnt about her personality through her interactions when she came in group, through her alone times at the pub, through other people's gossip when she was not around. I learnt about her favourite foods and drinks, of course, but also her preferred music style, reading genre, colours, hobbies... And as I got to know her, I kept falling for her. But I was just a waiter.

I loved her, but I never got to tell her. I never even got to have a little chat with her. I didn't feel legitimate to approach her. She was a brillant young architect, I was just a waiter. A waiter who died a stupid death, hit by a truck, while happily walking, on his way to serve her again.

I woke up in this hotel, a few hundreds of kilometres away from the main city, and well known to be welcoming souls of people who left the world with an unrequited love. I didn't believe it, until I arrived here. When I realized what was happening, I wanted to go back to the city and see her again. But I couldn't. As if an invisible rope was tying me to the hotel.

And today I got to see her. I could see her, but she couldn't. Today, for the first time, her happiness made me sad. Because it was like a hit of reality on the face. I could not be with her while alive, there was no way now that I was dead.

I send a dreadful look to the man who was lucky enough to enjoy her love for the rest of his life. I walked towards them and stopped right in front of her newly husband. But he didn't pay me attention. He could not see me, of course, but I understood that even if he could, he would not pay attention to me, because all he cared about was her.

Through his eyes, I could see myself. I could see the admiration, nearly a veneration towards her, I could see the love. And at that realisation, I knew I had lost a match I didn't even participate in. He loved her. Maybe as much as I did, maybe even more, since he succeeded in marrying her, while I couldn't even muster the courage to talk to her when I met her in the street.

Would it have been me, if I simply said hello instead of hiding whenever we met outside the pub ? Maybe not, maybe I was just meant to end up here, dead. But maybe yes. I would never know. And I would carry this weight for all the time I would spend wandering around.

They took their keys and walked towards the stairs. Once again, without noticing me, she would pass her way. But it was okay. She was happy, he loved her and my guts were telling me he would make her happier than I could.

"Goodbye, Mona!" I said to her, even though she could not hear me.

At that moment, she turned around and looked right in my direction, as if she heard me. My heart was not beating anymore, but it did beat, one sole time, when her eyes met mine. She smiled, and then turned back to live her life.