The Things I Never Said [To You] | inksmoker

29.07.2020

I had a meltdown today. I couldn't stop thinking of you.

I just had so many questions come to mind again about why you did what you did and why you let me fall for you when you weren't willing to be there to catch me. Why did you have feelings for me if you weren't going to admit to them and make a mockery of my feelings instead for the whole world to find funny. I couldn't understand why you came into my life to hurt me and why when I had fallen in love with you, your role was such that you weren't meant to stay. I don't know how I fell so deeply in love with you and when it happened- but I did fall so deep for you and I thought you loved me too but why did I always have to question it? Why did you always leave me uncertain? We had special moments that are more precious to me than any other and in them, I continued to fall for you, whilst I never knew if you ever did. I understand my love was overwhelming so maybe you didn't know how to respond or how to react but even then you didn't even try to stop me, why did you never try to explain to me or make me understand? Did it even matter what I was going through?

I had all these questions running through my mind and I felt so disturbed, like I had never been at peace in my life. Like I had never had closure or clarity and I was feeling the lack of all these things reminding me how toxic you were for me. But my love was you and the hope to be certain that you did truly love me at some point was more overwhelming than all. I don't want to think that I wasted my heart on you and that you weren't worthy of any of it. I guess thats why I've always been so desperate for answers when it comes to you. Because I was always questioning when you were in my life and then when you weren't, I thought I had moved on but I've found myself here again more times than just one.

By the end of this day I realised that maybe it is true that you did love me and you do care about me. Not as strongly as I did but you did genuinely feel towards me similar to what I felt towards you. Your actions seemed to make sense, telling me that you cared about me deep inside but you just didn't know what to do on the outside. In your head, you didn't think you deserved me and believed I deserved better so you hoped I would move on and eventually realise this, but your silence just ended up striking me continuously instead.

I don't blame you for anything. I just hope you didn't tie me to your hopes for so long and let me dream from which I only came crashing back down. Something you seem to be very good at. I just wish you had tried to talk to me and to make me understand so that at least I could save myself from falling so deeply for you.

I'm okay though. You mentioned me today in your conversation and asked about me yourself, and I know my self worth should be more but you were my first real love and it was enough for me to know that you think about me and you do care about me even 3 years later. I felt relieved because I always prayed with this sincere longing that I meant something to you and that you remember me and I finally found out that somewhere inside your heart, I do have importance and I do matter.