Luna(tic) (Marauders Era)

49. To Ruin a Life

Sam was upset again, Luna knew that. The thing she couldn't quite figure out was why. This was not for lack of options. There were plenty of reasons why Sam might be upset and Luna had been slowly going through the mental checklist, trying to address each and every possibility before it became an explosion of the sort that had sent her spiraling last year.

The problem, then, was quite simply that none of her solutions had worked. Luna had made more time for him. Had cleared out evenings, even whole days on the weekend, pretending illness. She had wandered the halls and the grounds with him, played games with him in classrooms whose doors she tried not to glance towards too often. She saved space next to her at dinner so he could sit with her. She even dared mention his name in front of the others, just once. Just in case. She tried every trick she had, balanced on the fineline of her tightrope and managed every pirouette and flip and skill she could without falling.

And it wasn't enough to stop his strange stares, to ease his frown, to make the slight scowl on his brow go away. And in the end, it was Luna who snapped, on a late fall morning when her friends were off at Hogsmeade and Luna had pretended a headache to stay in a nearly empty castle with her oldest friend. Who was still, somehow, upset about it.

"What is wrong with you lately?" Luna snapped eventually, giving up on the game of chess sitting between them, in which Sam was soundly beating her and yet still scowling about it.

"Nothing's wrong," Sam said, the crease deepening beneath his brows giving him away.

Luna choked down a noise of disbelief. "Oh come on, Sam," she groaned. "I can tell when you're upset and I've tried everything I can think of so just get out with it."

"It's nothing," he said. And the words were flat. Flat enough to sting. Flat enough to strike deep in Luna's chest in a place that felt like her heart. A place that knew he was lying. And wasn't quite sure when she'd become someone he lied to.

"Don't lie to me, Sam," she whispered, the words losing the conviction, losing the strength of her annoyance. "Please."

"It's dumb," he muttered, looking away. Which didn't hurt as bad as the lying, but it hurt. Because even if it was progress, even if it meant they might be able to have this conversation, it also meant that somewhere, deep down, he thought that mattered to her. Thought dumb was a reason not to speak to her. Not to let her in. Like she had ever cared if the reasons were dumb. Like half her reasons weren't infinitely dumber.

"I don't care," Luna pressed.

Sam sighed and stood, moving away from the table and wandering towards the windows, leaving Luna sitting on her side of an unfinished game. "I just... I miss when it was just us."

Luna blinked. "Oh," she said, then frowned, head tipping sideways. "But... I've been making more time for just us."

She watched Sam's shoulders fall with a sigh. "I know," he returned. "I know and I... I'm grateful. I am. I just...." He shook his head, stared at the wall in a way that felt pointed. "It's not the same. These days, you have to make time for me. You have to shove me into an already full schedule because... well," he sniffed and looked back at her, a bittersweet frown on a face that looked like it was halfway to tears. "Because I'm not built in anymore. I'm not... not a given in your life."

For a moment, Luna felt silence hanging in there, felt her own confusion like a bubble between them. Because it didn't make sense. Because, "Of course you are."

"No I'm not," Sam argued. "If I stopped existing, your life wouldn't change."

She snorted. It was the wrong response. She knew it was the wrong response. This was a serious conversation and they were talking about serious things and if that was how Sam felt then that was how he felt but in the moment, it was all Luna could do to keep back the laugh because nothing would change? The very idea that a life without Sam would even resemble the life she had was mad. Hell, the idea that a life without Sam would be a life she could manage to live was laughable.