Luna(tic) (Marauders Era)

27. Unexpected Smiles in a Room Off Stage

Luna was alone in a room again. She was a dancer again, standing oh so still. Only this time, it wasn't because the performance had ended and the curtain dropped and the applause faded. It was because the music had stopped, midstep. Because the audience had started booing and hissing and she hadn't known how to do anything except keep on dancing and dancing and dancing until she danced herself into this room and off the stage and closed a door behind her, hiding herself in the folds of the curtain until she was certain the audience had forgotten their displeasure.

She could hardly even remember how she had gotten here, wasn't sure she could ever have replicated the steps that had led to this. All she could do was sit here and stare at the wall and pray and pray that when she stepped out of this room and back onto the stage, no one would even think to remember those words. One word. One stupid, tiny, miniscule little word that brought everything crashing down.

Insane.

That was what James had said.

Next you're going to tell me you're secretly insane.

And she was. He didn't know it yet - couldn't know it ever - but it was still true.

"He was joking, Luna," Sam said from next to her, the words spoken into the stretching silence like he could hear the thoughts tying themselves in knots in Luna's head. "You know he was joking."

He had said it what felt like a hundred times already. And Luna nodded. Just like she had a hundred times already. Because she did know that. James had been joking. He had laughed. Sirius had too. Even Pandora had smiled because it was funny. It was a joke. It was supposed to sound ridiculous because it should have been ridiculous. Normal people could be funny and brilliant and have all sorts of hidden talents but it was laughable that they might be hiding insanity. And that was all James had meant. He had been teasing. It had been sarcastic. Luna knew that.

It just didn't help.

Because even if the orchestra had only been joking or playing a prank, the music had still stopped. The silence had still meant something. Her world had momentarily lost the safety net she always found in the musical cues that directed her dance.

It was a good thing, Luna supposed, that she had been practicing for long enough to keep on going. In some ways, she knew, it was halfway to a miracle. But she had managed it anyway, if only barely. And it had only been barely.

The moment James had said the words, Luna had felt herself go still. Had felt time stop. Had felt the silence blanket over the world before she'd even realized what he'd said. What it meant. But slowly, slowly, she had realized. She had understood. She had felt cold sliding down her spine, fear reaching up from her stomach, freezing and burning and strangling, and even as each breath had gotten harder and harder to take, she had felt herself smile. Heard herself laugh. Watched herself play along.

And if she had noticed also that there was a hesitation in that smile, or that the laugh was robotic, she had not - did not - care. It was more important to simply play the right part. To keep a straight face. To not look down. Because if she looked down, she knew she would wobble. Knew that tightrope beneath her feet would feel very suddenly very fragile. Knew that this was a dance that was tightly choreographed. This was a part of her head and her world that was riddled with holes and she had to follow these steps with the precision of a razor blade or she would find herself falling before she even realized she'd tripped.

So she'd kept her eyes up. Kept the smile on. Kept pretending even as she had utterly failed to hear a word anyone had said for too many minutes until they'd been staring again. And then she'd made excuses. Said she didn't know how she'd done it. Didn't think she could repeat it. She was sorry and she'd try but she just wasn't sure.