The Easy Way Out

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"No, baby. Nothings fair. But we can't stop now. The little ones are counting on us." There's so much pain coming from him. So much from me. But he's right. No matter how much we may want to stop now, we can't. I've never wanted to die more than I do now. I feel so selfish saying that. I feel so fucking selfish. My babies have no idea I want to leave them alone in this cruel world.. but not because it's what I want for them.. but because I'm weaker than they'll be. They won't know what it feels like to want to die. They will never see the day that they want to take their life away and leave the other alone. They're going to be so fucking strong. And they'll always have each other, just as their dad should've had his brother. "Go get them, please. And if you can't then take me to them. I need something to feel okay."

He's quick to the door, finding a nurse within seconds. The last time he went through that door it was to tell both myself and a nurse that our best friend had just jumped off the very building we're sitting in. "I'm so glad you're both together now, Xander. Keep each other happy for me. I'm so sorry I wasn't better to you both. I love you two.." I reach over as much as I can and grip onto Xander's freezing hand. I sit there and stare at anything to try and feel closer with him, Willow too. Willow has no idea that I'm awake, she's got no idea that I was hoping to see her again. How the fuck am I supposed to say good bye to someone so close to me? Both of them loved me through everything I put them through and they both leave me at the same time.. I feel so weak. I feel like I need to fucking do it too. It hurts so bad that I can't just bring them back to me. Talk to them tomorrow, show them their niece and nephew, hug them and tell them how much I appreciate them for helping me live when I wanted nothing more than to die.

"They're ready to come see you now. They've been ready since last night. Are you ready?" Theirs is the first ounce of happiness I've seen on his face since I've woken up. It's so relieving to see. It's so good to see him smile after such a big downfall of events. Even worse for him, he thought he was going to lose me too. Not just the other two that loved him. "I'm ready." He smiles at me. A big, genuine smile that reaches his teary eyes. Just as I look away, they're being carried in by two nurses that look like they love their jobs more than anything. I let in a big gasp, my hand tightens on Xander's, and the other goes to my chest. Suddenly so happy to feel my heart beating. "Here's your baby boy. He loves to be cuddled." She hands me my handsome little man and rubs the bad I have on Xander. The other other nurse hands our baby girl to Kayson, a big, bright smile shining on his face as he looks down at her. His world is in our arms, his whole world turned around as soon as he looked into that girl's eyes. My world has shifted, but I can't think about anything but that fact that they're missing this. They both wanted so badly to meet them. Now they're missing it.

"How does Hazel Jade sound?" His words throw me off, but it makes me want to cry at how happy he looks. It makes me tear up that he's just named that girl after the same woman who saved me. Willow Jade. "That sounds amazing, dear." I look down into the eyes of the precious boy in my arms. Xander Hayes. I take my time to think about something last minute, but it couldn't end up better. "And what about Haiden Hayes?" Kayson let's out a quiet cry, looking down at Haiden and I. "I love it." I finally let a few tears spill out, feeling like I could die and I've been saved at the same time. I feel like I don't deserve this kind of happiness after feeling so dark. I feel like happiness isn't an option anymore. I feel guilty for being happy about something so soon. I look at my baby and smile, letting one of my fingers fall into his tiny hand. "How're you doing there dad?" The nurse asks this innocent question and Kayson just stares and smiles at his little girl. "Perfect as long I keep my eyes on her."

I let a tear of mine fall onto Haiden's cheek as I look back and forth, taking in the lightness of this moment. "Baby?" He speaks so quietly. "Yes, dear?" I speak just as quiet. "Please don't ever leave me. They're so beautiful. And they're counting on us." It's all spoken in the same soft tone. It makes me cry even harder now, because he knows it's on my mind. I cry quietly, keeping my eyes closed while holding my innocent son. "I won't. I never want to leave you three alone." I drag my half opened eyes over to Xander and suddenly feel the urge to scream. My body begins to shake and my whole face feels hot. "Take him for a moment please. Just a minute." I hand him to the nurse and begin to stand up, my shaky legs being asleep and numb. My hands fall onto the side of Xander's, using it as strength to hold me up. I stare hard at his features now, looking at his closed eyes. The skin around his eyes being a cool tone of purple and blues. His body is thinner than I thought possible. His once muscular arms are drawn in and made of only bone. He's cold. He looks cold. He looks like he was shivering just moments before he died. He looks sad too. His features lead me to believe that he was sad. So fucking said. And so fucking dead.
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Kayson's pov

Davina is falling apart, she's been standing over his bed for 20 minutes now, just staring. It's sad. So terribly sad. It looks like she's waiting for him to wake up. Like she wants him to come back and act like this was all just a sick joke. "Baby.." I speak quietly. So fucking quiet that I almost think she doesn't hear me. But then she drops her head, onto the same bed Xander lies dead in, and she cries so loudly it rattles my chest. So loud that it almost feels like a curse is being put on me. Too loud for our babies to hear. I'm about to hand Hazel to the other nurse when Davina turns around and stares at me with a lost expression. I finally hand Hazel to the nurse and make my way to her slowly. She just stares at me both her and the babies crying now. "He just wanted to meet the babies. That's all they fucking wanted, Kayson." Her whole body shakes as she looks at her brother, begging and pleading for him to come back, dropping her head onto his lifeless hand.. It's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen.

It hurts so fucking bad. Even worse that I can't help. Especially since all she wants is to follow her best friend's steps and take the easy way out.
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Okay. So how do we feel. Because I'm not okay atm. I kind of want to ugly cry until I fall asleep. We've got like one more chapter.. idk what's more sad. The fact that my first ever book is almost complete or the fact that I'm ending it on such a low point..

I love y'all. Thankyou. It's not over yet, but I'm sure a lot of you will stop reading after this..