Never Let Me Go (Niall Horan)

Chapter 28 - Heart to heart...

Chapter 28 - Heart to heart

I think Niall’s not one of those guys who knows how to deal with girls being sad and all that, so instead of comforting you by talking everything out with you, he’d try his best to make you laugh and get those thoughts out of your head, so he’d do his best voice impressions and be so proud when he’d see you laugh and then he’d cuddle with you, hoping you’re not feeling bad anymore because that makes him feel bad as well.

However, I don't really know what he's feeling, maybe it was me, maybe I hadn't got to know the real Niall James Horan inside but only the Niall Horan who was strong and had his dreams come true, he was bottling up his feelings to look like everything was ok.

But as much as he tried to seem like it was, it wasn't, I had no idea what was going through his mind, the first time we met was just a short greeting and then everything exploded in a short amount of time.

Right now he was sat on the opposite sofa in front of me, tank top on, showing his chest, as he drifted in and out of sleep with Aoifa curled up in his arms next to him. All you could faintly hear was the news quietly blasting from the TV in the background with reporters talking about some kind of politics.

I had the urge to take a picture and capture this cute moment, it was rare that Niall was home and Aoifa had the chance  to get to know her father, but I couldn't blame him because of how busy he was with his job. He chose to go and follow his dream of being a singer, only to be then thrown into a world of screaming girls, touring, travelling, fame and trying to find the time of being with his family. I didn't blame him if he was worried about us and me.

But when I look at him, I see this perfect person. A person who has beauty, talent and genuine goodness and heart and no one can disagree on that because of him much people see and know about him. But then there's me. This crazy, weird, screwed up person with too many problems to list, somehow I really want to know how Niall see's me, maybe I'm just an annoying attention seeker and needs care all the time, or I'm just that special someone who he can't live without.

Over thinking is what kills you and that's what I'm doing right now, it ruins you and the situation, twists things around, makes you worry and just makes everything much worse than it actually is, torturing yourself with your own thoughts, breaking you.

I heard both Niall and Aoifa snoring softly as I both looked at their sleeping body's laid against one another. I quietly arose from the sofa and walked to where the two were lying. Dismissing the photo opportunity, I carefully picked up the sleeping girl from Niall, trying not to disturb him as I took her from his grip.

Aoifa only slightly stirred as I bought her to my shoulder, trying to be silent as I could as I bought her up to her bedroom.

I always wondered how she felt about me, maybe I was a good mother or not or she might grow up with more maturity than other children because of how she was bought up.Understanding why her dad would always leave for months on end and only see him on a small computer screen or on stage.

Maybe I took advantage of me having a mother when I was younger, I always thought that I could have anything i'd want because she would just sit there and hold her head in her hands, which I thought was good, I was trying to get her attention all the time and I kept thinking I was being ignored, which was not my mothers intention. However, this made me think worse of the situation, think when people ignored me it was fine, which was most of the time, which made me be alone all the time. My mother never realised that not splitting up with my father, made it even worse for me, even though I never saw or heard her being beaten and raped by him, she would always keep me away from him when he got back from the pub at night, and i'm glad she did.

Most of the time I try to forget how bad my past was, but then I have these moments where I regret treating my mother that way, she's in heaven looking down on me and my family, being proud of how far i've come.

*******

"You ready?" Niall said as he stopped at the side of the road, graves barely visible on either side on the grass.

 "Are you sure Aoifa will be okay with Danielle? I mean, its so late notice for Danielle..."

 "Their both fine okay, i'll wait here as you said, just be careful yeah?"

"Your sure?"

"Just go Katy."

"Okay" I breathed in, opening the car door and letting my boots crush the cold snow on the ground.

I walked slowly, hugging the bouquet carefully against my chest as I made my way towards her grave. The snow kept falling slowly over me, covering me with the little snowflakes. I needed to talk to her, even if she couldn't reply. I needed to tell her everything.

I finally found her grave through the darkness of the creepy place. I looked down at the stone with her name and the day she left, putting down the cold flowers, I try to smile but tears are already burning in my eyes before I could even say hello.

"This time I bought you flowers" I say with a sad smile, hugging myself tightly against the cold wind. My coat wasnt enough to keep the cold and snow out, but I guess it's good to feel cold, it reminds me i'm still alive, no matter how dead I feel inside. "I...I need you mum, I need to talk to you"

Her sad smile flashed before my eyes and then I see her battered body on the living room floor, trying to get up as she held her ribs and looked at me through her eyes.

"I...I need to tell you that i'm sorry, I know that it's too late to tell you while your 6 feet down in a wooden box, but I know that you're here" A tear slipping and running down my cheek.

"You once told me to always live for the little things in life. Live for 5am sunrises and 5pm sunsets where you'll see colours in the sky that don't usually belong. Live for road trips and bike rides with music in your ears and the wind in your hair. Live for the days when you're sorrounded by you're favourite people who make you realise that the world is not a cold, harsh place. Live for the little things because they will make you realise that this is what life is about, this is what it means to be alive, and i never know why i've always remembered that" I laughed through my tears. "But I guess, since you've been gone, I've lived my life regretting everything I've ever done to you, making you feel scared and worried about me. I always wondered why you took that bullet for me, I should of just said "no" and gone back to my room, but thankyou" I smiled, finally giving into the tears and falling onto the snowy ground.

______________________________

I'm so so so so so so so sorry for not uploading in a long time...

I swear on my life that after the 17th June my life will be free from revision, exams and I will have so much time oh my god

I HATE GCSE'S SO FUCKING MUCH

-Lauren :) xo