Dare You To Love Me

«17» the hope taken

“You’re here now, and that’s all that matters. Would you like to come inside and clean up?”

“Yaseerah?” he called out, when he didn’t get any response from her.

Her gaze refocused, and unwittingly, she realized that she’d tuned him out. His gaze was trained on her hands, and a soft gasp escaped her lips, when she saw the fresh blood peeking out between the creases of her fingers and palms.

Shame had her clenching her palms tightly, as she wondered how she could get him to forget about it.

Was there ever going to be an end to the shame she always brought to herself when she was around him?

Her cheeks turned rosy, her heart beginning to pound a little wildly. Nausea swirled around in her gut, and it felt like she was about to lose it, all over again.

“Are you okay?”

The question stirred her from her thoughts, and she turned to find him watching her, not with accusation or disgust. But with affection, like he always did.

Every single time she had been with him, she always felt his gaze drifting over her not in a salacious way but in awe, as if he was studying her.

She never minded it of course. She was used to being stared at like she was nothing but a figurine. But Fulan’s gaze was different. It didn’t make her feel like a prized figurine. It always bolstered her somehow, making her feel safe, and cared for.

“Can I see?”

Yaseerah hesitated for a moment before she slowly uncurled her palms, keeping her head high, despite the tremor that wracked her hands.

A beat of silence passed between them, his gaze still fixed on her face, before it finally drifted down to her open hands.

She saw the minute he took in the dozens of scabs and cuts, each varying in shape, some fresh, some old.

“You self-harm?” He asked softly, and instead of the disgust or pity she thought he would feel, all she saw in his eyes as his gaze went back to hers was curiosity, concern, and a dose of the admiration she’d always seen in them.

Would he ever look at her any different? Would there ever be a time when he would look at her with something other than admiration?

“I wouldn’t call it that,” she spoke after a while, her voice raw just like her emotions.

Fulan’s brow furrowed with genuine concern as he returned his gaze back to the wounds on her hands, tracing each moonshaped scab with his eyes. “Whatever you call it, I’m not here to judge you,” he said softly.

Yaseerah bit her lip, wrestling with the vulnerability of sharing this part of herself, even though his words had warmed her heart genuinely. “It’s a way to cope, to keep the bad thoughts away, to keep me grounded in the moment and not give in to my emotions,” she admitted, her gaze dropping to the ground.

Fulan remained silent for a moment, absorbing her words. Then, he gently reached for her face with a finger, tilting her chin up so they were now staring at each other.  “You don’t have to hide anymore. I’ll always be there, through the good and the bad, come what may.”

“You can’t promise me that,” Yaseerah pulled her face away, the unspoken vow in his words and his determination forcing her to stand up abrubtly on shaky legs that for a minute, she swayed on her feet.

“I can, and I will.”

Yaseerah thought about her marriage which was slated to take place in just a few days. She thought about what her father would do if she backed out of it now.

This, Fulan, was everything she never knew she wanted. And it was so cruel and unfair that they would never be, despite how desperate she was to make them work.

“I have to go.”

Yaseerah turned and began to walk away but Fulan soon caught up to her, overtaking her strides so he was now in front of her, forcing her to stop otherwise she would crash into him.

“Stay please, let me take care of you. I won’t bring up the subject again, if it upsets you so. But please, let me do this one thing for you.”

“You can’t...”

“You look exhausted,” he cut her off mid sentence.

“Just what every lady likes to hear,” she rolled her eyes, some of her energy returning.

“You need food, a change of clothes, and a lot of rest,” he continued, ignoring her jab.

Yaseerah ought to say no, but he was right. She needed all of the things he said but that didn’t mean he had to be the one to provide them.

It was wrong on every level but she was exhausted and for this one moment, she was choosing to be selfish.

Hopefully, she didn’t live to regret it.