Can I Call Her Mine?

Tiresome passage of time

My eyes flash open. It's been half a week since I've even stepped foot outside. I've been surrounded by people the entire time still I've felt lonely. Lonely in a way I feel... empty? Numb? I'm sure that's an exaggeration but I can't describe it, this feeling eating me up, chewing up all of my energy till I'm a hollow shell of a person. Whatever, as I said, exaggeration. 

Wait, is this really my first thought? Why such a melancholy attitude first thing in the morning? Was I menstruating? Okay, that last question was futile and supposed to be humorous I don't know how to cope.

Stretching out my arms I let out a small groan, I'm completely exhausted. I want to sleep. I want to scream. I want to cry. Instead, very relating to the set atmosphere, I yawn. I rub my eyes with my palms, and fall on to the bed. I lay there for a few seconds, and Amelia enters.

Similar to a trained animal, I spring up, "You're entering royal quarters without permission." I was testing her patience.

She stayed quiet. Looked me in the eye. Turned and left my room.

"Hey! Sorry! What did you have to say?" I asked before she was entirely gone.

"Am I allowed inside, your majesty?" 

"Well, it's highness- Wait no I mean you're allowed of course, no need in asking."

"Alright, will you follow me?" She led me out of my bedroom.

We went up the palace, reaching the top. I loved seeing the view each time. I leaned forwards on the balustrade, Amelia did the same. 

Today, it was colder than usual. Brisk winds biting down on my neck. A tree fell from the old tree next to the castle. It was a red leaf. It was fall.

It was fall.

"Is this about my 20th birthday?" I ask.

"Yes, and your parents are considering getting you a suitor."

"What?! That's outrageous! I certainly don't wish for one."

"With Lady Holbrooke marrying the prince of Byron, they only feel the need to accelerate your marriage."

"Isn't it my marriage? How come I have no say in this?"

"Yes, my highness, I completely agree with you. But, isn't it funny?"

"What?"

"You're 20. It's been two decades since I've watched over you, my dear."

"Has it really been?"

"Yes, you've changed so much, and still you're the same."

"How so?"

"You're still glued to the countess for one thing. Your personality remained mostly the same, but you're not as lost for books as you once were."

"Well, it's to make more time I suppose. I wish I could read more."

"You're so mature and immature at the same time."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Ahh, nothing you should fret over. Anyway, would you like to start writing invites to your party, it's in two days. Mostly everything else has been prepared."

"Yeah, would you assist me?"

"After all these years you still need me?"

"There'll never come a day when I don't need you. You're more like my mother than the queen ever has been."

The bittersweet moment was interrupted by a strong gust of wind, sending leaves into my hair. Amelia giggled at the sight, I blushed red in embarrassment. 

I went back to my room with her and we finished half of the letters by evening. I told her I wished to take a short interval and she left me by myself.

Woah. I'm turning 20 in two days, and still my life feels so... inconsequential.  By this point, I'm living for another. Am I really that insignificant after all this time? What am I even planning to do in the future? All this talk about making Sofia fall in love with me when I'm not even worth loving. So much time had passed since I started to love her. My life only started when she came along. I'm not that important, though. Nothing pessimistic it's just factual. Everything about me is average, I'm not special. I'm not useful. I'm not relevant.

And it took me 20 years to figure it out.

Haa, I'm tired. Not physically. But, I'm exhausted. I don't even have a reason to be, I just am. I don't want to attend some grand gala for my birthday. I don't want to attend my best friend's wedding. I just want time to stop. Haven't we all, at least once?