𝑬𝒑𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝑻𝒐 𝒀𝑯𝑾𝑯

𝑿𝑰𝑽

He's about to lash out when the bell for lunch rings and everyone is getting up excited to eat. Mister Ojekwu silences everyone and starts giving us a lecture about him controlling the class, not the bell.

I don't listen.

I'm staring at the jumbled words on my piece of paper. They are barely comprehensible. I hate the way it's devoid of emotions, as if everything I felt while writing was a waste because at the end of the day it's just words on a sheet of paper. It's meaningless.

"Are you okay?" Abigail walks up to me. Before Grace or anyone else could do the same I'm crumpling the paper in my hands, shoving it into the pocket of my blazer and leaving the class. I don't go to the canteen. My feet wander until I'm at the back of the school, around the area where the rooms are for clubs and the abandoned tennis courts remain unused.

Murmured noises are coming from one of the rooms as I pass. Her eyes remain in my spot. She's standing in front of about ten people with a pen in hand. Only for a second does she falter before continuing with what she was saying. Theresa gestures for me to wait. I look at the way ahead, at her then at my shoes-something urges me to stay with her. Maybe it's the hope that she'll be that listening ear I need.

About ten minutes pass. I'm sitting on the ground where there's a step with my head dangling between my legs, my eyes are shut as tiredness suddenly washes over me. It reminds me of the sleepless nights I've been having. The silence of the hallway is broken when the members of what I presume to be the student union or is it a spiritual Union, file out, talking softly to each other. The girls walk with elbows hooked together, skirts long and flowing with the wind coming from the open windows, heads falling back with soft laughter as though they're sisters. Such a bond centered on something strong, a common desire to know God.

It makes me envious. Loneliness has never felt more ugly.

Theresa sits beside me quietly. Neither of us utters a word until the hallway is cleared, only ten minutes is spared for them to have their lunch. The silence leaves me with my thoughts and suddenly I'm sniffling. Tears that have resisted falling are rushing to burst forth.

But I have to hold it together. I have to. It's what I've always done. There's no room for weakness, it doesn't do anything. This is my fate, my life and all I've known. Maybe nothing will ever change but I simply have to forge a way ahead. Yet it hurts so much.

I've always been this strong girl in my mind. It's probably a delusion that keeps me going.

"Hey, it'll be alright."

I'm waiting for her to say that God knows best, something of that sort so that I can lash out my frustrations. Throw all my questions at her in a fit of rage.

A tear slips and that's it. The rest come pouring.

"It's not okay. Nothing is okay," I cry out, bringing my knees closer to my body. "I'm tired. I want to sleep and never wake up."

"Will you be willing to tell me what's going on?" She asks with a tender tone. I turn to face her. Her brows are pinched together in concern. For me. I don't understand. She doesn't know me, and I was never considerate towards her.

"Why do bad things happen to people? I've heard a reply that it's the will of God, I've heard the reply that sometimes it's not from God but the devil and so you've to take charge of your life. I've heard that it's because of the free will of men hence they make bad decisions. I can't settle on one. Which answer fits me. I feel like because I'm not close to God he's not helping me."

She doesn't say anything.

"Where is he? It always feels like I'm alone."

"It depends. In the book of James it says that what we pass through is to test our Faith knowing that it worketh patience, not that God hates us but because he loves us. He does it to his sons. Atimes God puts us in difficult situations that will shape us towards his vision for us. However it still says that we are not tempted more than what we can bear so if that is so you'd know that such is not from the Lord but from the enemy." She takes my hand in hers.