hold you, hold on

I wanna be, everyone's dependable guy

Ok ! Ok so. I'm not in a bad place right now, I just feel weird. And I want to get that feeling out through writing bcs that usually helps

The gist of it is that I've been having a lot of self depreciating thoughts lately. Idk why and I can't remember when they started up again but the phrase "I hate myself" has been an almost constant in my head for months now. Which is! Weird!!! I'm not having Trouble. I'd say I'm even doing good, but those thoughts just sit at thr back of my head constantly and it gets tiring. The fact that I'm close to finals doesn't help And executive disfunction has been kicking my ass lately so that makes it worse.
I feel bad about now doing things then I don't do those things more bcs of how bad I feel about them then I feel worse and its kind of this cycle that keeps feeding into itself. Ouroboros kinda bullshit.
Plus this whole way of thinking gets thrown on top of the general mentality around my house of me being lazy or not doing things things though I can and. Idk. It's like both concepts ate fighting inside my head like in one hand this Is a problem that's partially out of my hands and in the other I Should be doing better, I know I Can do better so I need to stop putting excuses and accept that the problem is me. But when I feel so goddamn awful about it I think. do lazy people even feel like this????? Do people like that even give q shit about this sort of stuff?? Because I care ! And I feel awful about it ! And i don't know what to do !! So it's. Confusing. I got two guys who hate eachother fighting to the death inside my head and it's been 8 months and they're still fucking going.

I don't know what the point was here. Anyways there's another thing about that conflict of interest happening rn. Do you call it that I'm just saying words right now. I believe my parents and I trust their judgment and I agree with it, and I also believe my friends and trust them them agree with them. These two things contradict eachother because the fundamental idea of my family's way is to white knuckle it through life and I know they te saying it because their heads work different and that works for them. But it doesn't for me. And my friends know thay and it doesn't work like that for them either. But accepting that would imply directly going against my parent's wishes and I'd honestly rather kill myself thay disappoint them any more than I've already had. Especially my mom.
I hide so many things from them it's exhausting. I feel like I need to wait. Maybe in a few years when they take me seriously and my stepdad stops calling me a parasite and I show them I can take care of myself. Maybe I'll tell them then.
I care very little about what my stepdad thinks of my life choices, what I'm worried about Is my mom, she's more accepting but I've already made her life so difficult by being the way I am, I love my friends and i love my parter but I sometimes wish I could have found something here. I know that's a horrible way of thinking, I wouldn't change them for the world but god. Shit would be so much easier if I had just. Found people in my area or some shit. People my mom could meet and understand without needing me to translate.
In days like this I desperately wish I was different. I wish things weren't like this. And then I feel horrible for thinking like that because I love my friends. I wouldn't have them any other way. I just wish things were easy for once on my life

I'm desperate to keep the little stability I have but I'm afraid the circumstances make that impossible. Im sorry. To both people who have a link to this story and might read this, I love you I truly do, I wouldn't change anything about you even if I could. I'm just frustrated with the circumstances that's all.
I'm gonna go to bed now, I love you so much, never change who you are for anyone, not even me. If I ever ask you something as stupid as that feel free to hit me and read this back to me, I'll be pissed at first but you'll be right. As a last thought, I really hope I can go there and meet you someday, and i hope if you ever come here you never have to visit this fucking home, I'll take you anywhere else but please don't ask to come in here, I'll bend over backwards but my home is the one thing I can't give you, I'm sorry you probably won't be able to meet my little brother, maybe I'll convince my mom to stand outside and chat for a few minutes, but you're not going in there and I'm not inviting you, i hope that when and if you visit I'll have my own place and you'll at least be able to meet my cats, if that were the case my mom could even come see you for a little bit, i think that'd be neat.

[November 5, 2023 - 12:27am]