hold you, hold on

an actually good day

It's been a good day, it genuenly has

Nothing bad happened today, I talked to people I love, I made them happy and they made me happy, I event cleaned my room and changed my sheets

And yet, and yet.

I'm sad. I am so sad I can't keep it in

I miss people I talked to minutes ago, I miss my mom who is in the room next to me

I enter my house after doing groceries, and in the middle of putting them back I'm suddenly hit with the recurrent thought that I'm not part of this family, I'm a an add on, a last, second thought that they can't get rid of, I'm only here because my mom won't let him get rid of me

I remember nothing in this house is truly mine, I realize I am never safe unless everyone but my mom is gone

It's so frustrating, so horrible to know that the only place in the house I feel like my voice matters is in my room, and even in there I'm not completly safe

I'm a pest, i feel like a parasite, my mom loves me but that won't save me from the rest of my family

It's so horrifying to know one day I'll have to leave, and they'll be better off without me, happier

In the end, it is just a bad day after all, but that's fine, I just need to get through it and I'll be fine

One day I'll be out of here, one day I'll live in a place where I am treated as a person, I'll miss my mom to hell and back, but I can't stay here anymore, I just can't.

I need to leave, I am terrified of leaving, I am so tired of being treated, told and handled like a flee ridden stray dog, I hate being looked at with disgust, with pity, with dissapointment

It really does sound like I'm being dramatic, I think if anyone reads this they'll agree, I think the worst part of all of this is that it's not even my brain saying stuff to me, these are all things that I've heard, all stuff that I've gotten told, all shit that I've heard him shout, sometimes to me and sometimes to my mom

If this was about my own mental health, if these were things my brain said to me, then at least I could fix it, I could work on myself, I would love myself not in spite but because of myself

I think the thing that makes me the saddest about all of this is that I do love myself, I really do, I've grown so much these last few years and I've learned to love all of me, to see the beauty in my flaws while still working on being better, every day I work my ass off to be a little more open, to continue to heal myself, to love myself a little more,

It sucks to know that despite it all, he still hates me

[September 3, 5:17pm]

(Alternative tittle: I love myself so much, and yet the world doesn't love me back)

[September 3, 6:11pm]

(super fucking funny addition to this, i spiraled because i wanted to get some cookies and then realized i coudln't because everyone in my house but my mom would yell at me for grabing cookies [this has happened before] even though everyone else except me can grab stuff and eat it whenever they want, they just don't like me specifically doing it. Anyways i won at the end because my mom passed me some cookies in secret while he wasn't looking <3)