hold you, hold on

Dont refer to me with these pronouns

[October 24, 2020, 3:27pm]

Once again she sits in her room, alone
She'd do this for as long as she needed to, she'd stay quiet and play nice until they felt she was worthy of forgiveness

She knew that maybe that day would never come, but that was fine, she could live with this, this life was, in a sense, easier

She couldn't say she liked it, but if this was the kind of life they wanted to live then so be it, she knew she was in no place to protest

Having people love you was nice, it made her happy to see people be comfortable around her, or at least pretend to be in an effort to not hurt her feelings.
She knew her family wasn't comfortable with her presence, nor was she with theirs, which didn't mean she didn't love them, of course not, but to be fair she doesn't believe she's been comfortable around other people even once in her life
Being alone made things easier, maybe her family didn't reach out to her anymore, but being loved was so hard, it's not to say she didn't like it, but she didn't know how to confront it

She knew her family still cared for her, but she also knew that they would be much better off without her

She always made the atmosphere so uncomfortable, she could tell how everyone went stiff as soon as she walked into any room, because of this, she always made sure to leave as soon as she could, the last thing she wanted was to disturb them

And so she continued to feel alone, she fell silent whenever they walked in, much the same they did whenever she was present, she tried still reaching out to them, she was aware that ignoring them was not only selfish but also unfair, so she didn't

She kept speaking like everything was alright, maybe she spoke less often but when she did she referred to them too, she didn't just leave them out of the picture.

More often than not, they would ignore her, but that was fine too

If this was the role she was supposed to play then she would do so flawlessly, if this was how things were gonna be now then she had no choice but to face her new reality

So she bit her tongue, sniffed in her tears and stood tall, or at least as tall as her small position would allow her to be, she would always miss feeling the love of her family, but she didn't have a right to complain.

(At this time, I had a lot of arguments with my family, I had just gotten out of a horrible environment, and was processing a lot of trauma. Turns out I wasn't completly irredeemable, I was just 15 and I needed psychiatric help)