aroace and agender stuff

Ahem, I'm not dead!

It's here that I'm confused.

Romantic love ≠ strong love.

We all know that.

It's not the strength and intensity with which you love a person that determines the type of love.

And I myself am an example of that.

Recently, I realized I have so, so much love to give.

I've been a loner for most of my life, not per choice, and I always thought I was just a bit antisocial. Turns out it's literally the contrary.

I love my friends. I love them so much, I would give them the world.

I want to see them smile, I want to see them happy.

I want to tuck their hair in when they're in their face. To feed them when they're hungry. To give them my hoodie when they're cold. To give them a tissue if they have a cold. To carry their bags for them. To drive them around when they need.

I simply want them to be okay.

Of course I considered having a crush in them. I mean, this kind of strong feeling couldn't be normal?

So I started to ask myself.

Do I want to kiss them?

...

...

Fuck. I just realized a thing.

My imagination sucks. And I already knew this.

But what I mean by it is that everything I imagine is derealizated. I could imagine myself dying and be like "ok." when in reality it's not very ok.

So even if I imagine myself kissing them I don't feel anything. Not pleasure, but not even displeasure.

This is bad. Very bad.

I think I need a moment to myself and walk out of my room to catch a bit of sunlight.

.

.

.

That moment lasted 10 days.

I kept saying to myself "I'll be able to feel it when I imagine kissing them while looking directly at them", but everytime I saw them I forgot. Till yesterday. Yesterday I was actually able to do it and, surprise surprise, I didn't have the urge to kiss them.

I just had a fucking strong platonic love towards them.

And tonight I was able to discuss romantic vs platonic love with a friend for the first time.

For the while thing we were both confused. Like, very confused. So much that we had to resort to reddit and chatGPT. Which, as you may imagine, didn't led to anywhere.

At the end, what remained as difference was the familiar nucleus.

As in, wanting to create a new family with the other person, with or without children. Living with them for all your life, depending on each other, have your own house or place to cohabit, etc.

Basically, yeah, being a family. The closest relationship you could get with another.

And now that I think about it, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?

All this time, all this wondering, all those burned neurons, only to end up with an answer that we could get from an elementary kid.

"I love them and I want to have a family with them."

I may be stupid.

And I may also be stupid in a different way. Because while discussing so much about emotions, I think I forgot the emotions altogether.

It's obvious that I would never get what romantic love is. I never experienced it and probably never will.

The final answer is exactly that. It's the feelings.

The actions may be the same as in a platonic friendship, but what's different are the feelings behind them.

An hang out becomes a date. Living together or having a family together is also different.

At this point I just kinda think that we will never get it.

We may speculate, wondering and dream about it, but ut will always be outside of our reach.

I'm kinda bummed out.

Because in all this logic and brain storming, I feel like I've returned to the starting point and talked gibberish all this time. Damn.

I spent so many neurons and energy on this just to end up with a fist of air.

P.S.
I asked another person too, someone who has already been in several relationships, the difference between platonic and romantic love and the answer was: "Platonic love is between friends and family and it stops there. Romantic love is where you feel a type of attraction, not always followed by sexual attraction, and it's what we commonly refer to as love."

Yeah, thank you boss. I couldn't have guessed it.

So, let's not worry guys. From what I've seen even allos don't know the difference.