Mess it up

Chapter 4

"And part of me wants to walk away 'til you really listen
I hate to look at your face and know that we're feeling different
'Cause part of me wants you back, but
I know it won't work like that, huh?
Why won't you try moving on for once? That might make it easy "
It won't work like that (Gracie abrams)

9 hours ago:

" I will just study this part and eat and go to sleep."
Studying chemistry,  I forgot to eat
4 hours ago:
" I will just finish these questions and go to sleep it is already too late to eat"
2 hours ago :
" I have no time to sleep anymore. Let's just continue studying."

Present time :

Finally I reached the school early
I went to school early today
The school is so comfortable when it's empty
I walked in the hallways for a little while, and then I went back to my classroom
"No one arrived yet ?"
The morning routine hasn't even started
I leaned my head on my desk
" I will just close my eyes a little,"
Someone entered the classroom , and I could hear his shoes
What is that sound ?
I think he pulled a chair and put it near my desk
Should I just open my eyes ?
What if he is a serial killer ?
Before I could panic and open my eyes
The person just sat near me
Doing literally nothing
I see his hand on the desk
This is a male's hand from how big it is
He just sat there and hummed a soft lullaby
His breath and evert sound that came out of his mouth was warm
I should open my eyes and tell him to stay away, or I will kill him
But for just once, I felt like this hand won't hurt me
I never liked someone being next to me while I'm sleeping
I couldn't bear it
I would feel like I wanted to puke
But now , this I the first time.....
I foolishly dozed off
I was woken up by the sound of this person's chair when he got up
I opened one eye secretly,  I want to know who he is
I can't see anything!
Oh
He is wearing a black jacket that had 3 red stars on it
I couldn't see anything else
After he left
The rest of the students came
I chatted with my friends
I only had one, though, in my mind
I really wish the comfort patting would come back

The break bell rang
" Lily,  let's go to eat , in the cafeteria." Eve called me
" I'm not really hungry also my accounting course is after school so I need to do my homework "
" Lily , really, why are you learning accounting at 16 ?" Eve asked me
" Just for fun, you guys go already,  I need to finish this first,"
" Okay," Hannah and Eve walked out of the classroom
Eve won't understand why I need to take accounting,  I already learnt the basics as a kid when I managed my family's finances
I might need it in the future if I want to apply in a job that requires accounting skills
I needed to be ready
The noises in the classroom were too loud
" I will just do it in the library,"
I went down the stairs
Walking through the hallway
I could see some 12th boys playing football in the football court
I see Nick
His buzzcut hairstyle made him 
Also, his tall and big body made him stand out more
He isn't wearing the school uniform
He is wearing a navy shirt
With black sweatpants
He really could be a model if he wanted to or a gangster,  I never saw someone who could do both
Oh , he saw me
No, don't
I will just walk away
But I looked back when I heard some boys
" No , no , Nick!!"
Nick is running out of the court, leaving that ball behind and coming to me
Like from a teen romance movie
He stopped for a second and picked up his jacket, and came to me
The more he got closer, the clearer the jacket
It is a black jacket with three red stars
Nick was the person from this morning !
" Nick, is that jacket yours ?" I asked him, wishing he would say no
I couldn't have liked Nick's touch
No , I won't believe that
" Yeah , it's mine,"
NOOOOOOOOO!
HE IS LYING !
I hate him more now
" Nick, how did my face look this morning ?" I asked him that as I leaned closer to him
This is how I dealt with my own shame
Make the other person feel greater shame
" Your face ? , I don't care about your face. " He said that as he tried to avoid my gaze
" Really,  then why were you singing next to me while i was sleeping ? " I said that and stood on my toes to be closer to his face
Feel the shame, Nick . I won't feel it alone

" Stop." He said that and moved away from me
" Okay , I will let it go but at least admit that I'm pretty or beautiful enough for you to sneek while I was sleeping to play with my hair " I said that and started to walk away
I need to finish my homework in the library
" I never said you aren't beautiful or pretty,"
His words caught me off guard
You know Nick , if I was a little but more naive , I would have fallen for your jokes
" Thank you Mr larsen for the compliment."  I said that and continued walking
" Why aren't you calling me Baby ?"
He said that in such a low voice , I could barely hear it
But I can't miss the chance to make fun of him
" You like being called baby ! , is that your fetish or something? " I said that
I was already laughing in the middle of the hallway .
" By only you," He said in a serious voice that stopped me from laughing
What is wrong with him ? Why is he being so serious ?
" Nick, try this on someone else , Me , Lily Mason,  won't fall for it,"
" Then what works on you ?"
What should i tell him that I will never fall in love with him or even date him because he has the future of a gangster
I don't want to be serious
He must be joking, too
No one will try to change himself for an egotistical selfish human like me
" I think if you got me French toast from the cafe nearby,  I might,  slightly,  like you a little bit more " I said that as I laughed and continued walking to the library , He won't have time to go and wait till they do it and come back , break is only 30 minutes and already 10 minutes passes by
" Nick , you should really give up on me….."
I looked behind to talk to Nick a serious talk, but I could only see him running from the backdoor of the school
The backdoor was closer to the cafe
IS HE REALLY GOING!?
Before I even reached the library, the break ended

I went back to my class
I can't deny that I entered my class 5 minutes late because I kept searching for Nick at the backdoor
He probably thought that he won't be able to get it in time before my class started and went back to his class
My physics teacher entered the classroom and was about to begin talking
Someone is knocking on the door
Mr. Steven opened the door slightly, and I could see someone outside.
It is Nick

" Lily , someone wants you,"
Everybody in my classroom could see who was at the door
Nick is sweating and holding the bag of the nearby cafe in his hands
I knew for sure that at this moment
My eyes were shining looking at this stupid boy who ran all the way to the cafe and ran all the way to my classroom.
" Mr., I will go take something from him," I said and walked towards him
I didn't care about the people watching
I only knew that I wanted to laugh and talk with this boy .
" Here is your French toast , it's hot, though. Eat it slowly. " Does he really care if I ate it and got burnt or not ?
" Nick, you look like a dead jellyfish,  You are sweating so much," I said that and I couldn't stop laughing at him.
" You made me like that. Don't laugh !"
" You are the one who ran without realising it was a joke,"
" To get you what you wanted,"
" You didn't have to!"
" I wanted to !"
Even when if we're shouting at each other,  we both were laughing
" I can't with you anymore!" I told him that
" Then do you love me now ? "
Nick asked me that as he looked me straight in the eyes
I couldn't lie to him and tell him I loved him
I don't love anyone
I'm unable to do that
I never thought that not loving someone would make me feel like a broken doll
He wasted his time on me
" No, Nick , and don't waste your time on me anymore,  I'm sorry,"
" Lily,.."
I'm only good at apologising
After telling him that I couldn't even stand with him anymore,  he must hate me like the other who claimed they loved me but ended up hating me after I rejected them
I entered my class
I could still see him standing outside
What is he thinking?
Does he resent me too now ?
I don't want him to resent me
He was going to say something, but I don't think any words will affect the state I'm in
I'm beyond repair

" Lily , what do you mean you don't love me after all this time?!"
" Do you think that you are much better than anyone ? "
" How can you be so selfish and not care about my feelings ? "
" I didn't even love you , you were just pretty,"

Words I heard from different people who claimed they loved me, but I couldn't love them back
Even if I let go of the fact that I want someone who will have a good future job and will be a good partner in the future…..I can't love someone
I'm not a person who can do that
In all these cases , I believe I was the one at fault
They didn't try to change themselves, but nobody should change for another person's wishes
If I let Nick continue his talk ,I'm sure he would have said something similar.
I didn't want to hear another thing like that