Between the Lines

Sanctuary

          I sat in my window once more. The glass swung open to allow the silence of winter in to calm my racing thoughts as I watched as snow fell. My mind kept replaying the last part of my conversation with Hlíf until I developed a rather nasty migraine. An attempt to soothe it had been made, the cold water helped to ease some of the aches while a bit of peppermint and frankincense oil rubbed on my temples and neck had helped further. Still, my mind wandered.

    I spared her sleeping form a glance, amazed that the picture in my head of the young wildling girl with the snow-white wolf ears had always been the reality of the woman before me now. Since her arrival, Eibhlin had been viewed as a burden, a monster, and a curse. She had been painted as evil; the same way I knew I would now be, the way I would have been had the truth been revealed from the start. That painting couldn't have been farther from the truth, yet how could I show the world this? Sighing, I turned my head back to the snow outside. My mind remembering the way her back looked. The secrets she had held, the pain she had carried for so long... I would do whatever it took to help not just her but everyone to see who she truly was, how strong she had, and would always be; even if it meant that I would have to kiss every single scar on her body and soul to remind her that love should never hurt.

    I enjoyed the sound of silence as I thought about how I would do just that. How I could take her somewhere safe and just kiss her from head to toe until she no longer doubted her worthiness. What would Odin say of this though? He had already made it clear that he felt she was not the right match for me. While I had attempted to make it clear right back, the thought that I could have a chance for the throne still gave me pause... The kind of pause that made me loathe myself. I allowed myself to get lost in that feeling for a brief moment as I thought about my biological father. Would Laufey have approved of her, or would he have wished to see her removed from my side as Odin did? Would I have even met her...

    Eibhlin's soft whimper cut through my thoughts as I turned my head to look at her as she struggled to get out of bed. I watched as she winced and yanked at the heavy blanket that covered my four-poster bed, ornately carved like four trees intersecting. "Little Dove, are you alright?"

    She nodded, grunting as she pulled harder at the blanket, rendering it free before she came to join me. She crawled up and into my lap as I pulled the blanket around us both, seeing her smile softly as she noticed the snow whilst asking me what I was doing. Ashamed of my thoughts, I told her I had just been thinking; a lie masked in truth. I kissed the top of her head, nuzzling my face against her ears as I recalled the way she had recoiled when Sif had touched them earlier. I had never seen her respond well to anyone but Mother, Hlíf, and me touching them; why us, and why was the opposite response so volatile? It was a question to ponder for another day as she asked me once more if everything was alright.

   "I was just thinking about what Odin said... Trying to imagine how it would differ from Laufey had I never been removed from the Jotunheim, how it might have gone had I always known that I was to be an unwilling ambassador. Would I have met you; would we still be here like this... Would I be able to make you my queen as I so deeply wish..."

   I heard her sigh as she cuddled into me more. I held her closer, feeling her warmth and softness as she told me how she too often wondered about the 'what ifs' that would attempt to steal her joy, claiming that they were also bittersweet reminders of how much better things were. As I asked her what helped her through such moments at her prompting, she responded that it was seeing me. A lazy smile played at my lips as I tilted her head up and back, my hand slithering around her delicate throat that fit so perfectly in my hands. I felt her body react; her eyes fluttering for just a moment as she pulled her bottom lip ever so slightly into her mouth, the tip of her tongue visible as she wet that lip. She was so faultless, far too gentle to have ever fallen in love with someone with me, yet that seemed to be exactly what she had done from both her admission in Mother's memories and from the way others had pointed out our attraction. I never should have fallen in love with her; shouldn't have fallen in love at all, yet it seemed almost impossible not to love Eibhlin. She had come into my life, and torn it into pieces with her insight and affection that I still did not understand what I had done to deserve but could no longer exist without. As she told me how I was one of the most important people in her life, I felt the emotions wash over me. How dare she be so perfect?

    Cradling her ever closer, I kissed her forehead. She wanted to hear me say it, to give life to what we felt. Yet after my time with the Mad Titan, I had come to realize that any admission of a potential weakness could be used against me. They already knew of her, of her fantastical abilities, did I want to make this worse for her by admitting that our love was mutual? I knew deep within me that we both had accepted long ago just what this feeling was, even if neither of us had been able to acknowledge it until... well, until I had hit rock bottom. Mother had brought her here not just to save her from the cruelty of mortals too afraid of their own shadows to understand just how remarkable she was, but because she too had seen that Eibhlin was meant for me, just as I was meant for her.

    As I carried her back to my bed, placing her down gently I knew I needed to say it; to hear it said back. A larger part of me though, felt I should tell her to stay away; that while I wasn't afraid of the war she was undoubtedly fighting to drown out the sorrows and bitterness residing within us both, it was far too big an ask to pretend that I was not the monster I now knew myself to be. As I looked down at her, pulling the blankets up to her chin before I climbed in beside her, I realized that even if I did tell her to stay away, she would unquestionably wait for me once more; just as I always would for her. It did not matter how far down we fell, how many years we had to be apart,  no existence would ever feel this good... this perfect.

    She curled against me once more; her head coming to rest on my chest as I sighed her name. She hummed a soft, sleepy response as I ran my fingers through her auburn hair, letting my fingers brush against those beautiful ears of hers. "I don't know how to word this, yet I know you want to hear it... This is very new for me, and while I have adjusted to much of it, there are parts I am still trying to understand. Yet there has always been one thing I understood... and that is that you are the walls of my heart, Eibhlin." I tried. I tried so damned hard to find the words, to just say them. But I couldn't. I was still afraid of what they would mean. Still so fearful of how it would be used against me, against her.

    "I love you too, Loki," she whispered, her ears fluttering against my throat.

    My eyes misted as I held her closer, my heart skipping beats as it galloped away from all of the anxieties I had been feeling to gift me calm once more. The kind of calm that only she could bless me with. I would say it one day; I knew I would.