Ain't it fun (Paramore/ Tayley fan fic)

All we know is falling

An; hi guys. Thanks for all the reads votes and comments so far, it means a lot to me and I hope you are still enjoying this story. I'm sorry for some of the stuff that happens in it but I have a very screwed up mind. This chapter may be triggering with self harm references and if anyone if you out there either self harms or has self harmed, stay strong as you are perfect in every way and if you ever need to talk just message me and I'm happy to help. I have self harmed before and I'm not afraid to admit it. The italics are a flashback. Hope you enjoy and for the first time we have a chapter title named after an album. Please let me know what you think in the comments
Maia_fvk

Hayley's PoV
My wandering eyes froze at the sight that was before me. Taylor York was crouched on the bathroom floor, his wrists full of blood and his hand wrapped tightly around the razor as if it was his life line, ready to strike again. I never really thought about it but now I knew how it felt to be on the other side of this scenario. For years, our roles had been reversed, it had been me on the bathroom floor and Taylor would be the one in the doorway. He would pull me close as I sobbed helplessly into his invisible children t-shirt, tell me it would all be okay and carry me careful to the bed, like a china doll that would break. Once I was tucked up tight and safe under my snug duvet, he would gently kiss my forehead and stay until I fell asleep. Lately, he wouldn't even look at me unless it was to shout or cry

I decided though, it was a lot easier to be on the other side, on the side Taylor was currently on. Because it ripped me apart inside to see him so helpless, so alone that he would resort to this. Usually, whenever something was bothering him he would tell me. But we didn't tell each other anything anymore. I was trying so hard to protect him that everything else took a backseat, being a good friend was no longer a priority because I needed to protect him. But nothing could protect him from himself

Talking from experience, sometimes we could hurt ourselves more than other people. They could call us names and taunt us and abuse us but ultimately we  were the ones who broke ourselves down. The voices in our heads did more damage than the voices of others and they were the ones that sent us off the edge. My mind always taunted me, saying I wasn't good enough and that I deserved what Ashley did to me and for years I believed it. I have the scars to prove it and I'm not afraid to admit it; my scars don't define me.

But the thing that hurts most was the possibility in my gut that this was my fault. My fault for pushing him away. My fault for picking Ashley over him. My fault for dangling Ashley in front of him when he clearly displayed how he felt with the kiss. The kiss that I could still feel on my lips, the kiss that lingered in the back of my mind, the kiss that left me wanting more than I was ever going to get. Just knowing that I could have caused this killed me more than you could ever know. We were so close that if you hurt either one of us, it would inadvertently end up hurting the other.

A startled whimper left Taylor's mouth, dragging me away from my dangerous thoughts and snapped my attention back to the broken boy laying broken on the floor, a shell of his former self. He was looking through his thick damp lashes at me, the rim of his chocolate brown eyes looking at me. I pulled him up from the floor and settled him on the closed toilet seat, like he had done many times with me. He didn't protest, he didn't make a sound or move at all. I grabbed the first aid kit of the shelf, the spot memorised. I had used this kit way to many times. I pulled out a wet wipe and applied it to his cuts, carefully wiping away the blood and applying the correct amount of pressure. Or at least I hoped I was

As I watched the blood on Taylor's arms, I couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with me, why I managed to ruin everything. And the worst part was I had no idea how to fix it. I only had one way to deal with pain

Flashback
  I stared , transfixed, at the pretty patterns the blood was creating as it flowed freely down my heavily scarred arms from my 'little habit'. My own personal pain relief. I don't know how long I stared at my arms before my mum banging on the bathroom door brought me back to my senses and sent me scurrying round the shared bathroom to put things back and clean my arms. Lastly, I shoved my razor in its hidden place behind the cabinet, giving my long sleeve one last tug.
End of flashback

  I shook my head quickly at the thought, dismissing it. I couldn't go back to that, I have recently discovered there are better ways to deal with the pain. Ever since the day before we went on tour, I started writing a book in which I kept all my thoughts and secrets. If I could get through it, so could Tay. I would make sure of that.

" what made this happen?" I asked quietly, my voice scarcely a whisper. I couldn't bear to look into his eyes and see the sorrow. I didn't want the answer to that question to be me.

" I just wanted to see what it was like, whether it helped" he whispered, also looking down. A shiver ran through his body and I realised that the cold water had probably chilled him. I wordlessly pulled him from the toilet, out of the bathroom, down the corridor and into his room

I did all the things he used to do with me, pulled him to the bed and tucked him in. I hesitated for a moment but I did kiss him on the forehead, like he had done with me. I snuggled down next to him, vowing I wouldn't leave him till he had drifted to sleep.

" so this is what I have to do for you to notice me" he chuckled darkly