EMOTIONLESS - CHRISTOPHER STURNIOLO

15: what is going on w me

TW ‼️
SELF HARM.
BLADE, CUTTING
BLOOD,BLEEDING

Marylou walks around the kitchen  as i go on my phone and looking at my texts.

Messages

Bree ❤️

Come home when you can, okay?

I will, i promise

___
Irl

"I think im going to go back up.. the medicine is going to knock me out anyways, so.."  i get up from the table and start walking up. "Alrigth, dear" she gives me a nod before i make my way up into Chris's room and snuggle into his bed.
I can smell his scent in his sheets, his hoodie. I could smell it and regonize it from a mile away.
I look around the room, trying to take it all in. It comforts me, in some way.
The way nick always reminds me that im the only one he lets into his room,Or the only one he hugs. It always made me smile.
Suddenly,
Last nigths memories start to flood my head.
I can still feel his hands on me. I feel dirty. Disgusting.
Whit tears in my eyes i walk up to chris body mirror. Disgust.

My eyes shift to my phone lying on the bed. Whitout any hesitation i take the case off and a blade falls into my hands.
Whit the blade in my hand, i walk into his bathroom and put it onto the sink while i undressed complitely.
Im sobbing now, burning how water is streaming down my dirty skin, and the blade is being used across my wrists and  thighs.
"Disgusting,disgusting,disgusting.." i mumbled between sobs before stabbing the blade into my skin one last time,
everything goes quiet.
Finally. Its quiet.
I put the blade that is covered in blood back onto the sink and stand up.
I start rubbing my body. Everywhere.
I dont want to feel his hands on me. I dont want to feel dirty.  But i do.
Blood is still streaming down my legs and arms when i turn the shower off.

I bandage the cuts up and clean everything up.
I go back to bed and text emily, i ask her if she got home safely and stuff.
She also told me about sam not going home whit her, or about how after we left she wandered off and she couldn't find her.
I felt bad for her.
I didnt want their realationship to end but when i tell her how sam was on getting me upstairs too,its definently over.
Shes been telling me about this boy sam hangs out whit a lot. She wouldn't be jealous or anything but they do flirt in front of her face. Poor girl. She doesnt deserve to get cheated on.
A crack from the door pushes me out of my thougths, i turn around and chris is standing in the doorway whit a bag in his hand.

"Hey. I brougth you your favs. I didnt know if you would be hungry but.." he chuckles and walks over, opening the bag and revealing piles and piles of candy.
"Oh my god.. you didnt have to.
Thank you"i giggle.
He crisscrosses next to me, "Nick wants to do a movie marathon and all he talked about is how he wants you there." He smiles while i chuckle.
"Yeah, i'ii be there."
"How are you feeling?"
"Rotten" he forms his lips into a thin line, his eyes travel all across me. When his eyes get to my wrists i pull the hoodie's arm onto the bandages more to make sure he doesnt see.
"Your not rotten,jaz. Or ruined. I promise. " his hand crawls onto mine on the bed. My body goes still for a minute, but then it relaxes.

"Maybe.. thanks for.. everything. "
"Of course. Come on, nicks waiting." He stands up and i go whit him and walk down the stairs together.
Nick and matt are in the kitchen preparing something when me and chris arrive downstairs and sit down.
"Heyy" "goodmorning" nick and matt greet me, and i give them a smile.
"How are you?" Nick sits down in front of me, his face getting serious
"I dont know. I just feel, ruined." I say whit tears sliding down my cheek.
"Were here for you. And you can always come to us whenever you feel like talking it out, okay?"
I nod and wipe my face whit the hoodie's arm.
"Just dont be suprised when chris beats harry to death.." matt mumbles but all three of us hear it, we all chuckle.
Suddenly, I can feel chris hand on my  thigh, his thumb moves up and down.
I dont find this weird. Some people would, but not me. This is chris. I know him, and he knows me. Physical touch is just sometimes how he shows me that hes always there, for me.
I place my hand on top of his and our hand interlock.
"Soo.. when can we do the marathon?" Nick grins.
"Well, i do need to get home. So in a couple of hours?"
"You got it. Just text me and we'll pick you up." Nick smiles.
Chris gets up from his seat but doesnt let go of my hand, "come on."
I wave bye to nick and matt and leave the house. Our hands are still interlocked for some reason.
Has this happened before? No.
Is it the best thing i've ever felt? Yes.
We let go and part ways, we both get into the car.
On the way there, we talk and talk.
Its so weird, it feels like this is the only time i can breathe.
When its only me and him.
I stay quiet and watch him as he talks about something i cannot even focus on.
I watch how his smile grows and grows bigger. My eyes travel all across him.
One of his hand is on the wheel and the other is resting on the console. I see his bracelets, rings. The moon pendant necklace he always wears lingers around his neck,his hair falls over his eyes and onto his forehead.
I catch myself staring and quickly whip my eyes away from him.
Fuck. What was that?
I turn my head back and listen to him.
I stare at his lips while he talks.
Kiss me.
He repeats a question he just asked me a minute ago, i still cant focus.
"Hello? Your not going to school tomorrow, are you?"
Kiss me. Kiss me now.
I snap back from my thoughts. What the fuck were these thoughts?
"No, uhm.. i dont think so. I'ii just tell bree to report me as sick."
"Oh okay" he nods.
We arrive and he reaches over to my side.
Touch me. Please.
He takes something out from the door, His fingers brush against my bare legs, my body goes stiff.
He immediantly notices and smirks.
He hands me some of my jewelry, i get goosebumps when his and my hand touch.
"Here,Nick found them this morning. "
"Thank you." I smile before opening the door and stepping out, i dont shut the door immediantly.
"Text me, okay?"
"I will." I smile before closing the door and turning on my feet, he waits until i walk inside and drives off.
What the fuck was that?
Chris always does this, so why does it have a different impact on me now?
Why were my thougths only about him kissing me?
Why did i fold by just his fingers brushing against me?
Oh my god..