Oneshots

Am I there yet? | Not Me | White/Sean🔞

TW: Death, abuse, child death, PTSD.

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Can you imagine that after all the shit that happened in your life you have finally found someone that cares about you? It is the first time you can feel that your life finally matters. You get to know each other more and more, you started to date, live together and even got married and adopted a child but then on a family vacation you realize that this is what you have never wanted? You never felt that this is the real you and you completely forgot that you wanted to get out of here and live your life freely, but the sudden feeling of love, patience and understanding completely clouded your mind and those pink glasses on your face were sitting there for years.

This is what exactly happened to me. I laid in the bed next to Sean, windows opened and the calming sound of waves hitting the shore made me think. What would happen if I said a simple 'no' as an answer to all the questions? What would happen if I tried to live for myself?

"Honey? Are you okay?" Sean hummed right next to his ear when he shifted the weight of his hand down from my stomach. "I can hear you thinking." Sean chuckled from sleep, but for me it definitely was not funny.

"It's nothing, go back to sleep babe." I whispered and caressed his head that snuggled even closer to the crook of my neck and his lips trailed my collarbone. I had to wait a while for him to fall asleep again and with more thoughts in mind I simply fell back to the past to check where the mistake happened, I needed to know where I could go differently.

FLASHBACK**

It all started when I was nine years old, I had a twin Black and we were outside playing with bikes that we got for our birthday, but Black did not listen to me and he did not wear a helmet as he should. He was always the stupidly brave one; the complete opposite of me.

We rode it down the hill, but Black did not see the hole that someone dug there and his front wheel got stuck, and he fell down on head. He did not wear that fucking helmet that dumbass.

I managed to stop and simply stare at him. The bike fell on him, his head was bleeding heavily and I had no fucking idea what to do. I simply screamed my lungs out, crying for help.

Black did not survive, the bleeding was too severe.

"You are responsible for his death, White." Father whispered into my ear again. He kept telling me all of this every day for the past five months.

It has been fucking five months of me suffering with the still vivid image inside my head, how my twin brother fell down from his bike, his head hit the ground, how the blood oozed out and how the bike fell on him, crushing his ribs and god know what else.

No one cared about me, I was left alone. No one understood what happened, that it was not my fault. In everyone's eyes I was the bad guy that could not protect his own brother.

"You were supposed to die there, not Black.." I kept listening from our classmates, because my brother was so fucking popular too and well I was the nerd; bullied nerd to be precise.

I suffered a lot and I honestly pitied myself a lot. I felt like quitting, my grades at school were bad, my behavior towards others started to be aggressive too. The main trigger was my brother's photo in a black frame sitting right next to me. Even though I smashed it into pieces it appeared there the very next day.

I was living with so much guilt and hate that I did not realize that I haven't done much in my life. I got used to hanging out with bad influence people, re-creating me into my own brother. Luckily he is not here to see me, with all the tattoos, piercings and well I was no longer the young, stupid nerd as people most of the time recognized me as.