𝑬𝒑𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝑻𝒐 𝒀𝑯𝑾𝑯

𝑽𝑰

"I can manage on my own," I looked down again, whispering the words so softly.

"Are you sure? And those books...past questions abi? You need to buy them, I'll transfer the money to your account soon, when I get the money."

I nodded.

"You know I want the best for you right?"

My heart cracked. That's what he always says but guess what, actions speak louder than words. Sometimes I hate myself for feeling any ounce of compassion for him. It makes me think that something is wrong with me or maybe it's because after everything he's still my father, and my family.

"I want the best for all my children."

It reminds me of my brother. Did he want the best for him then?

"I'm tired."

I didn't wait for him to say anything in response before sprinting straight to my room. I almost bumped into my mom on the staircase. She must have been watching the whole interaction. The tears in her eyes were a giveaway.

She opened her mouth to say something but stopped short.

Typical.

I shook my head, ignoring the pain in my chest. Entering my room was like shutting myself out of all the problems in my life. The moment I slammed the door it felt like I was free from all the turmoils I'm going through. I fell on my bed, burying my face into my pillows and started crying.

Are you out there?

Time seemed to move fast the moment I twisted my body on the bed. My blanket and pillows were on the floor while my body was sprawled all over the bed in an unladylike manner. I wiped away the crusts that had gathered in my eyes from my short nap, which might have not been so short looking at the darkness outside.

I wasn't in the mood to get up. My body was screaming for me to go back to sleep again but one glance at my bag and the thought of assignments waiting for me had me pushing my lazy body off the bed. I had a crazy idea to simply roll on the floor since my legs felt wobbly.

A heavy sigh escaped my lips when I slumped my body on my wooden chair. Papers, pens, pencils, highlighters, snack wrappers, glue and all sorts of materials were scattered on my desk. It's not in this tired state that I'm about to clean it so I just pushed everything to one corner. I took out a piece of paper and grabbed a marker.

Dear God,

It must be easy for you, hanging out in the heavens, far away from the mess that is earth. Why did you create me? Maybe if you never made me, placed me in my mother's womb or maybe if my parents never met, if my mother married a different man I wouldn't have existed. How wonderful would that be, to not exist.

Why can't I hate him? Why do I still have this tiny hope that with time everything will sort itself out? Is it because I see his good side? The people in my village would claim that an evil spirit has possessed him, and maybe they're not so far from the truth. What should I do? How do I cope? Do I go on living as if this is my normal? I was born to suffer in this family right?

I think about the fun moment I had today, if only for a little while before I had to ruin it. I'm sure he'll never want anything to do with me again. Just like the rest he's seen my true character and is probably planning on ways to stay away from me. But do you know what the crazy part is? It's the fact that I want him to not give up on me. I just want one person that'll fight for me no matter what I do.

Too much to ask for, I know.

Maybe you're out there but I can't see you. I'm still caught up in the darkness. I'm still doubting and questioning many things. Maybe I'm not worthy to even know you. Maybe the truth is I know you exist but it's better to act like you don't so I don't have anyone to blame or give me any false hope.

It's crazy right? Acting like you don't exist so I don't feel bad for not trying.

A lost soul,

Binta Sinobichukwu.

I'm probably the only teenager who rarely acknowledges her phone. If not the sudden urge to listen to music I wouldn't have touched it today. I find my Samsung sitting idly inside a mug with my other pens. The two major apps I use to listen to music are Spotify and boom play but since my Spotify subscription has expired I log into my boom play account and press the first song that catches my attention.

I leave the phone on my desk to go stand by the window. The wind brushing my face makes me smile, I feel so light whenever it does that. As if it's just passing by, gracing me with its soft touches. I find myself actually listening to the lyrics of the song.

I don't want to lay it on you

Feeling like I've been broken in two

Forget it all when you hold me

Something in the air shifts in the room

Take a look at that body

Take a look at that body I built

Take a look at your story

Oh I never abandoned you

Every time I ran from you you never thought to leave me stranded

Even when I wanted to you reminded me that you are constant

So now I look at you and say you're the one I've always always wanted

You're closer than my breath

You're closer than a friend I want you

I stare at the black car parked in the house opposite ours as the music plays in the background, thinking about how a song wants to make me cry again. It's funny how I feel like the lyrics are saying the things I find myself constantly thinking about. It's only in my room where I can be weak because no one is watching me.

I cleaned the tears that had started to fall from my face when my little sister opened the door after knocking. I don't turn to look at her, instead I cough and act like I'm doing something interesting by the window. "What do you want?"

"Are you alright?"

"If that's what you came for then you're wasting your time." I said, walking over to my desk. I'm suddenly arranging the scattered papers and piling all my notebooks and pens in their correct order, anything to keep me distracted from this conversation she wants to start.

Lael sighs, "I'm your sister you know? You don't have to be...be this tough person all the time. I can handle the truth."

I scoff.

"Dad wants to take us for a late night outing and I'm going. You coming?"

"What's the point? He's just doing this to get on our good side again, can't you see? Don't be so immature, Lael. Seriously."

"Well at least I'm not being a snob about it, okay? I'm not lucky like the others, I don't get to have this everyday so I'm not going to let you or anything else ruin the tiny moment I have to feel like this family isn't falling apart. I don't care what he does tomorrow. I'm going, you can stay here and cry all you want."

When she's gone it takes everything in me to not fall apart.

I get a notification beep from my phone showing me that I have a message on WhatsApp. It's the text that has me opening it or else I would've ignored it like the ninety nine plus message on the app.

_Hey there, it's Theresa :)

_From school

I quickly saved her number.

_Hi

She replies immediately.