controversial thoughts n opinions

I am scared

I just realised I had a guy love me like that...

I don't  know how far his loyalty would go but he was certainly a very good guy, I could feel it.

He would send me poems, love letters and write to me how cool I was...

I'm used to guys flattering me but somewhere I cringed so hard lol

But despite of all that I wished he would find a very good woman, someone who would be innocent enough to love him the way he tried to love me.

Not someone with so much issues as me.

Someone whom his family would like, someone who would adjust well with them...

He deserves a good girl.

He is successful, he makes a lot fcking more than me

Maybe that was partly the reason why I was scared to be close with him.

I was jealous of him, he was far better than me in many things. He was at a position in life where he could afford to do all of this but I was not, I was still struggling  very hard.

But above all I was scared.

I was scared of depending on him.

He is so much better than me its only natural...

That's when I realised how scared I am of depending on a man...

Is it normal?

I don't know

Maybe that is also the reason why I feel so insecure around successful men.

I can't explain it.

But I feel a huge pressure to be successful when I see a man who's doing better than me. At the end of the day I'm really really broken inside.

I feel like men can't love a person like me.

Or more like I am scared of them trying to change me into something that I am not.

I can't explain it, again.

Its just how I feel, scared and tired.

While I watch the men I liked, the men who liked me...

Get into relationships with another girl.

Maybe I was born to be the other woman, maybe I brought this upon myself.

I don't know.

I really don't know what to so with these feelings