I sit alone in a dark room as a foreign movie rolls across the screen. A romantic moment peaks my interest and my mind wonders to him. I wonder how his evening is going.
"Perhaps I should call."
Swiftly a hollow feeling overcomes me. Emotions begin to run in the darkness.
My mind rapidly works to reframe the thoughts driving my emotions.
"He would have called if he wanted to talk to you. He doesn't miss yo...It is all in your head. Why am I thinking like this?
He just hasn't called, yet."
My fingers hesitate as I begin to dial.
"I fear the rejection. I don't want to feel it."
Shallow breaths forced into a deep inhale, "He is probably working on things at home, right? Look how late it is. He just lost track of time? Yes! Yes! He will be so happy to hear from me!"
CALLING... ring - ring - ring - ring ring - You have reached
"Why didn't he answer?" the excitement fades.
"Could it be that he didn't want to answer..." sinking further
"Wait! He probably didn't hear it!!"
CALLING... You have reached
"Don't call too many times."
CALLING... You have reached
CALLING... You have reached
"Is he in the other room?"
CALLING... You have reached
CALLING... You have reached
"He is going to get angry if he is using the phone."
CALLING... You have reached
Maybe he fell asleep early? If I keep calling then he might hear it."
CALLING... You have reached
CALLING... You have reached
one last time
CALLING... ring - ring
"Just hang up. He's not going to answer."
SILENCE
I forgot how loud the air is in an empty house. So much darkness.
My eyes pan around the room, taking gauge of the space. It seems larger with no one here.
Deep breath. Deep realization.
" This is what my life looks like."
Sitting in an empty home reaching out for the person I love to no avail."
" This is my life."
An absent love.
I'm being so cynical, so dramatic.
Remember
I have seen his love over & over.
I'm sure he just fell asleep early.
Stillness
"I wish a voice in the silence would reassure me."
I hear nothing.
"He wouldn't be with another?!?"
Once again the silence refuses to answer.
Time passes.
Ding, new message:
[Woke up on the couch with the tv on.]
I wish this didn't hurt so much.
I'll probably be better in the morning.
