Stardust ( AE SERIES 1 )

85

After the performance ay kaagad akong umalis dahil gusto ko huminga. I wandered around the school. I also informed the two beforehand para di na sila maghanap.

I did it.

I just did it.

Nararamdaman ko pa rin ang kunti panginginig ko. Hindi sa kaba pero hindi rin sa kung anong bagay. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko rin maintindihan bakit. Was it relief? Overthinking that the videos people took will spread online?

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad nang may marinig akong pag-himig. Nandito ako sa garden and my usual tree spot is not far from my sight. Malapit na rin bumaba ang araw kaya napag-desisyunan kong mag-lakad papunta kung nasaan ang punong tambayan ko. I can still hear the soft humming and as I get nearer sa puno ay naririnig ko paunti-unti ang pag-iistrum ng gitara.

I totally stop on my tracks when I saw that the one humming is Ethan. Nakapikit ang mga mata niya na parang dinadama niya talaga ang ginagawa. He look so dreamy. Tangina.

Naalala ko na hindi ko nga pala siya pinapansin kaya aalis na sana ako pero tinawag niya bigla ang pangalan ko.

"Pressy, galit ka ba?" I stood still and looked back.

"Bakit naman ako magagalit sayo?" Tanong ko pabalik. Hindi siya nakatingin saakin pero naka-pikit pa rin. Paano niya nalaman na ako yun?

"Bakit di mo ako pinapansin?" He shot back. I can't tell him that I assume things kaya ako lumalayo. Na I think he is the same with the other people who get near me kaya ako ang umaatras. I just can't.

"Ang immature ko ba? Sige. Kakausapin ko na siya." He said and opened his eyes. He looked at me.

"Ako na kakausap. Kausapin mo lang ulit ako."

"What do you mean?" Acting gullible to the situation he was in. I just want to be clear din.

"Kakausapin ko na si Chavez tapos kausapin mo na rin ulit ako."

"I will talk to you in my own accord, Reyes. Talk to your brother when you can." I answered. Hindi ba siya titigil? Some people distance themselves from me kapag lumalayo na rin ako. It's clear that it is a losing end when I did that. Bakit siya kumakapit pa rin?

"Kakayanin ko, Pressy. Hindi ko lang kaya kapag di mo ako pinapansin." Natawa ako roon.

"Bakit, Reyes?" Paghahamon ko.

"Naaalala mo ba nung..." He stopped and looked away.

"Nung botohan sabi ko may sasabihin ako kapag nanalo ako."

"I don't want to hear it, Reyes. Not anymore. It's clear to me now. You are just clinging to me for-"

"Gusto kita."

"What?"

"Gusto kita. Ayan yung sasabihin ko kaso naudlot kasi VL offered something to me. Pangarap ko iyon kaya ngayon ko lang nasabi. O baka kasi duwag ako. Baka mababaw rin kasi alam kong close kayo ni Chavez."

I stood there frozen. Unable to move or talk. After all that he said, everything that registered to me is that he was offered something bigger than we could have been. It is his dreams. He will pick that above everything else and he acquired that all because of him. He never needed me.

Masyado bang mataas tingin ko sa sarili ko?

"I am clinging to you for what, Pressy? Connection? I can have tons of that if I debut under VL. Hindi kita nilapitan dahil lang kailangan ko nang mag-aangat saakin. Matagal na kitang gusto at sa ilang taon na yun, ngayon lang ako nagkaroon lakas ng loob. Taas mo eh."

"Compared to my siblings, Ethan? I am average." I said that seemed to offend him.

"May ibababa ka pa ba diyan?" Tanong niya pabalik.

"Ang taas ng tingin ko sayo tapos ang baba ng tingin mo sa sarili mo?" Dagdag niya pa.

"It doesn't mean that you think so highly of me is that I feel the same way."

"You are enough, Pressy. Just enough for me."

I spent my life comparing myself to my siblings. They stood out in the crowd. Lahat napapansin sila and maybe those words he utter were just everything I needed.