547 days continued

Harisas bday

But again, idk if I should have.
A called after and I explained to him. The lump isn't on my boob though. It's like under my armpit. It's like at the start idk.
I apologised to the nurse I was like I promise you I've had a shower before I came it's just so hot outside I'm sorry if I've sweated 😂😂

I decided to go back to the retail park and return the jeans and I treated myself to a new pair after finding out I may die young lol. I'm not 100% on the jeans but I've been on the hunt for distressed jeans. There was another I liked but not too sure. I've dropped a clothing size, I've lost a bit of weight. 

I spoke to A when I was in river island. I asked about Bs first day of comp. It's crazy how much he's grown. I hope he finds a good group of friends. He'll go far inshAllah especially if he's in top sets now mashAllah.

I was in top set for everything apart from maths, I was in set 2 for maths (there were 8 sets) but I actually loved set 2 maths. I was with my best friend (we got moved a few times for talking and laughing 😂) , and it was the right amount of hard, and we also had a really good teacher. He was scary but so good. They eventually moved me and my best friend to set 1, but eventually set 1 and 2 merged anyways, but we put in the work and did well. I think that's what I'm like with everything. I take the piss but I genuinely try hard, more so last minute. Everyone knows that about me.

I had a shower when I came home. Again. Weather was boiling. Nose bled again. It's bled almost every day now and I feel myself getting quite anemic again.

I spoke to iehab, she called me after. I told her I don't feel well enough for placement either and she said your health comes first. I spoke to tash too, she kinda knew what has been going on with my health, I'd consider tash one of my best friends too. We called and then after spoke on text so I told her what happened today. She was so sweet.

A suggested he comes with me too. Which is kind. Idk if I wanna be alone for that.
Was kind of tash too.
I say watermelons in text but it's not my boobs it's
Literally under my armpit

Tbh with you I'm contemplating not even going. I'd rather not know if I have cancer. She said it feels like a tumour but it could also be completely something else and a hormonal thing. It's not something you can see but feel.

I'm dying guys lol. Might be. There's so much I wanna do. I wanna be a mum inshAllah. Idk.
Do I really wanna know if I have cancer??

A said something on the call and it made reality sink in. He was like you need to eat a lot cos you lose weight with cancer and for a second my stomach dropped like sometimes I forget this is my reality and I genuinely feel like I dissociate. Then it hits me after.

Anyways, I also saw undercover police behind me which was cool lol I was like
I knowwwww your dirty little secrettt

We went to the pier after having food and it was so calming and peaceful. I've honestly been through a lot lately. It's a lot to take in. Not just mentally but physically my body's been going through it. It's so much for someone to take on. I told tash I didn't wanna tell anyone but she said you need to tell someone, she said she agrees not to tell my family yet but it's important to tell people you trust.

Pier was nice I had snickers ice cream there. I got my cousin ice cream too. Was so embarrassing I tripped on the rocks I'm so clumsy 💀💀 but I started to feel ill again, we were sat by the water and I didn't wanna ruin my progress of feeling better so we went home. I don't wanna go placement either for two reasons, there's sick people there so I'd make them feel worse and they'd also make me feel worse. It's better if I stay home for mutual benefit. But I hope placement doesn't think I'm taking the piss, I genuinely don't feel well. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.
They were closing the pier when we went on but the view was so pretty. The sunset was so pretty. I think if I die, I'd like to be remembered through sunsets. And peanut butter. And snickers 😂 and bubble tea lol. And wingstop 😂 and the moon and the stars. I feel sad. I don't want to die. I think A asked me how I feel. I was like obviously it shocked me. I told him I was trying not to cry. I haven't cried yet. But I know I will when I'm alone in my room. I don't want any of the people I've told, to tell anyone else. I'm trusting them.

My dads brought home pizza and I really want a slice but I have no appetite. I'm drinking this warm tea drink my mum made me.

You're not meant to eat fried food really when you have cancer so I might try and cut down on it.

We came home and I need to put my clothes away. Iehab called me briefly.

Anyways
I don't know how I feel. I was really tired earlier but I have a headache and just idk, like my brain feels too active to sleep.

I also told my mum I have an ENT appt, that's all. She seemed worried tho

Good night diary
22:37pm

Also the price of petrol?!!
My cousin did my petrol and of course I took a pic lol. I take pics of anyone who does my petrol, I paid but I mean they actually fill it up.

A's TikTok thing he sent me made me
Laugh too lol

So far only tash iehab and A know.
Tbh I don't intend on telling anyone else either. They're the people who have been asking how I've been feeling almost every day as well, a little goes a long way it shows they care. It's the same I ask them How they are
Harisa has asked once or twice but I don't wanna tell anyone else tbh
I don't like telling h about my life or health. I told her about my ent appt when I had the camera in my nose and packing and I didn't like how she handle it

My head is killing me
My eyes are so pink and dark my mum said to me I can tell by your eyes You don't feel well

Lol