Dearest diary, sorry I bore you with my thoughts but you're the only thing that will tolerate it all.
I am parked up at work sat in my car, 8am start today, not 12 hours either which will be a nice short day. I'm working a new department. And all I can think about is how he came and surprised me with his bike and it was like the happiest day ever. It's one of my fave memories.
I'll tell you why I still have hope for this relationship. Is because we were good to each other up until a few months ago. He still cared, and I was still that happy girl. I'm sat with tears in my eyes but I'm determined not to cry.
I've cried too much and I actually feel bad for my eyes cos they didn't deserve to cry over someone who can't communicate with me. I know he probably needs space but I don't get why a simple text like I'll get back to you, won't suffice?
I need to get through today. I feel so pathetic and stupid that I'm starting my day in a new department, should be excited but instead I'm fighting the urge to cry. When he on the other hand is starting his day probably with a smile on his face and not a care in the world that a girl 20 mins from him is aching because of this whole situation. He knows my heart. He knows I care.
I haven't ate breakfast. I haven't taken lunch. I have like an empty pit feeling in my stomach. My work clothes fit me quite loose actually. Iehab was sending me voice notes this morning and she was like she wants to go to a buffet but she said it wouldn't be good to go right now as I don't have an appetite. I feel bad . Right now I just wanna chill and go for walks and stuff I can't stomach much. I feel sorry for myself low-key because I didn't deserve it.
I played the Quran today on Apple Music and it's the first time in months, maybe a whole year, that I listened to the Quran on a drive. But I just needed to feel calm and you know those drives where you don't even know how you got from A to B. Like it was so calm and I was deep in thought it was like woah how did I get here.
I think I'm getting more confident and better at driving. I know A would 100% disagree but literally that one time he sat in my car is the time I didn't know the route or whatever but genuinely with places I know I think I'm getting quite good.
Anyways. I need to get going. I hope today is good for me. InshAllah. I hope I'm happy. Cos I deserve to be. Harisa was like hel you're never gonna get these days back; If he wants to text or call he will, you've said your peace, don't let him ruin your mood.
I wish he wasn't the person hurting me, he knows all I want is a discussion cos I'm as confused as ever.
You know what. Happy thoughts from now.
I'm gonna smash today. I'm a good human. I'm a good woman. I care about everyone. I love everyone. I love myself. I don't deserve to cry. I don't deserve to hurt. I deserve love.
I'll update later diary
7:56am
