IITLTA? 『Kokichi Angst』

Recovery Is A Long Path...Is it Worth It?

Shuichi, Miu and Rantaro kept Kokichi company while he was hospitalised.

Kokichi wasn't happy with all the attention.

He didn't ask for them to babysit him. He had enough with the stupid suicide watch and the frequent nurses coming in and out of his room every hour.

Besides, the suicide watch was kinda useless. How was he supposed to hurt himself when he can barely move his body? He had to ask for help to do everything. It was beyond humiliating.

The first days were bearable, he enjoyed the attention and company.

But when he realised he wasn't going to be left alone, he began to hate his situation.

Miu was the one who kept him the most company. She went to visit him everyday, without fault.

Kokichi would've liked to say he was happy with it. But honestly, going from no-human contact to constant-human contact was overwhelming.

He was becoming more unstable by the second. He could feel it.

There were times where he couldn't feel anything but bitterness. Other times he felt angry, but couldn't figure out why.

Other times he feared being left alone again, so he tried to do everything to make the three people who kept him company happy with him.

Other times he had the impulse to act like a real asshole, drive his friends away for real this time. Prove to himself how unlovable he was.

Prove to himself that the only reason he's not alone right now, is because they feel guilty. Prove to himself that they are all fake assholes, so he can die in peace instead of feeling guilt everytime he wishes death.

For some sick satisfaction of his, all he can think in those times is about using their weak spots and abuse them, and make them reveal their true selves so they leave him alone again, so he can write the most heart-wrenching suicide note, telling them everything he felt during the time they were healing together.

How alone he felt, rotting in his room while they moved on. Not even sparing him a thought.

How delusional he was, all day, all night dreaming about a fake reality where he was one of them.

How even when he was conscious about their hate towards him, he still went along with his suicide-plan in the killing game.

How instead of giving them a piece of his mind when they met again, he was happy he was given a second chance.

How guilty he felt that dreadful night at Kaede's.

How stupid he felt when he realised he wasn't wanted there. When he realised they were perfectly fine without his presence. That he could've died and they wouldn't even notice.

He wanted them to suffer, to feel guilt and regret, to make them feel responsible about his death. He wanted to point out all and every defect they had, every reason why they were the same as him, even worse, in the killing game.

When visit time was over and he was left alone in his hospital room, he usually thought about their faces reading his notes after a successful suicide.

But then Miu arrived, distracting him from all those hate-fueled feelings.

Rantaro made him feel that he was an important piece in their daily lives.

Shuichi...he was still mad at Shuichi. To be honest, he's mad at all of his classmates but Rantaro and Gonta.

He was a bit resentful towards Miu, but only when she wasn't around.

When she was, all that hatred disappeared.