TORTURED SOUL | abby littman

𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁𝘆 𝗲𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁.

"I don't feel alive," Rowan admitted, for the first time aloud, her sole focus being the stars above. "Nothing around me feels alive. I feel dead, like the person I am is stuck in that fucking house," she chuckled bitterly, flashes of her father's anger accompanied by his screams taking over her mind. "I don't feel like myself. At all. Whoever this is, whoever I am now, isn't me. And I don't know how to get back to her, how to make peace with knowing I'll never be her again, that this is all I've got. I'm a fucking stranger in my own body and no one seems to get that. Like, I'm watching myself be like this but it isn't me. This shit makes it easier to cope with that. I don't feel so trapped in that house when I do. I've been trapped in there long enough, I need this escape. I feel alive when I do."

Rowan lost her entire childhood in that house, the potential of who she could be fading away like her father's love, that all that was left was a ghost―a ghost with no home, no family, no friends. All alone with no one who understands, no one who tries to understand. The closest she's come to being understood was the sweet relief that took away all these thoughts, all this pain, all this grief for what she could've been, and that was in the form of harmful substances.

She turned to Oscar. "Is that fucked up?"

"Honestly, yeah."

Rowan laughed, her eyes closing as the lull faded into the familiar ache of sobriety creeping onto her. "Thought so. Does that make me an asshole, to want to feel alive?"

"No," Oscar said after a few seconds of silence. "Nah, it doesn't."

Rowan wasn't sure if everybody would agree but that wasn't her problem anymore.

    
    
    
    
   
   
   

° ✩ • ☽ ° ✩ •

     
    
    
    
    
   
    

MARCH.

One thing that has come to light over the weeks is that Camilla Castillo hates Rowan Rivera. More than anything else in the world, Camilla hates Rowan. She hates how Rowan kept her around in her life until she decided she was done with her, leaving without so much of a goodbye. She hates how, because of Rowan, she lost all her friends since they blamed her for how bad Rowan had gotten, and blamed Camilla for Rowan running away. Because of Rowan, all of Camilla's friends hate her, claiming she enabled Rowan. Alex, Camilla's best friend since she was a toddler, the girl she used to hook up with for almost a year now, casually of course, yelled at her, screaming about how just because Camilla is fucked up and can't fix herself, she doesn't need to break someone else.

Someone with potential.

That fucking hurt.

And it was all because of Rowan.

Rowan, who used Camilla constantly and then left her alone to deal with the damage. Rowan, who couldn't even spare Camilla a second thought after making the girl care about her. Rowan, who had potential that Camilla supposedly squandered because she had none for herself.

Fucking bullshit.

Camilla didn't 'break' Rowan. She didn't make matters worse; it was because of her that Rowan didn't end up this bad from the start. She looked out for Rowan, made sure she drank in moderation and cut her off when she was too far gone, she was the one who talked to Stevie when she thought it was an issue―it's not her fault that Stevie didn't follow through. Camilla did all she could to keep Rowan going a little longer and what did she get in return?

All the blame.

So, if everyone thought she had no potential, if she had nothing going for her, why bother trying? Camilla had gone from only alcohol and weed to something stronger; favouring oxy out of all. She found a new group, one she only knew material things about, who went out a minimum of twice a week and she stuck with them wherever they took her, tonight being somewhere in Vermont. One of the guys in her new group had a relative down here whose parents were out of town and invited him up so, being the generous dude he is, he let Camilla tag along for the weekend.