TORTURED SOUL | abby littman

𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗿𝘁𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗿.

   
    
    
    

chapter thirty four

{ unedited }

   
    
    
    

[ trigger warning ; mention of abuse ]

ROWAN ROLLED BACK HER RIGHT SHOULDER, seated on the couch in Paul Wilson's office. She had finally received the doctor's permission to permanently keep the sling off rather than just at night, her movements no longer constricted. It was already the third session when coming onto the Wednesday afternoon, a breezy air coming in through the window, a reminder of the cruel winter that had just passed. It wasn't that Rowan hated winter, she didn't, it was her favourite season, but she hated this particular one which had disrupted her life and changed the course of it forever.

"Rowan? Are you listening?"

Rowan turned away from the window to Paul, nodding slowly before shaking her head when he gave her a look of disbelief. "Sorry."

"It's alright," he said with a small smile. He didn't have a notebook with him again, no paper in sight nor were there any files around. "As I was saying earlier, I want to talk about love today. Any kind of love, parental, familial and romantic. Any kind of love you can think of. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Okay. Good. We'll take it slow and if it gets too much, we'll stop. You're in charge here, okay?" Rowan nodded, leaning back into the couch. Paul always made sure that Rowan knew she was the one who was in control of what they talk about and how far they progress into the conversation. He didn't say it but Rowan knew it was so that she did not feel like a victim in this room the same way she had done so in the house of her father though Rowan would never consider herself a victim. There was nothing wrong with that but being called a victim but Rowan does not like to be called that. She doubted she ever would, it made her feel like there was something wrong with her that could never be fixed because of another person. Rowan wasn't someone who needed to be fixed, she was fine as she was.

"Let's start with your father―Hugo," Paul corrected quickly. That was something else that Paul made sure to do, to never call Hugo her father because she does not see him that way and with good reason. "Let's talk about Hugo. This may be an unusual question but do you think that, at any point within your life,  you have loved him the way most children do their fathers?"

"I...I don't think I understand."

"Family is a confusing thing. It is something every person has in common even if it's for one day in their life. As children, we're taught that family is a bond to last forever, a bond that we cannot walk away from. There is a belief that simply because people share blood, we are not allowed to turn our backs on them and that they should be the most important people in our lives. That belief runs especially deep with parents. And it is the role of parents to care and love for their children, to take responsibility for any wrongdoings they do but Hugo did not. It's a belief that a child should always forgive and love a parent no matter what they do simply because they gave them life even when it is something unforgivable which is exactly what Hugo had done. I know you do not love him now but has there been a time which you do remember loving him?"

There was. Of course there was. Rowan had once craved the love of her father and had prayed for the days he would love her back, the day when he would give her even a second of attention which wasn't for something she had done wrong. She had prayed for months on end for her father to act like the dads she sees on TV, the ones her classmates had been blessed with, a father who would love his child despite her flaws and mistakes and, rather than yelling and abusing, would teach her to be better with patience and love. Rowan craved the love in the shapes of hugs and kisses, not cuts and bruises.