TORTURED SOUL | abby littman

𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗿𝘁𝘆 𝗲𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁.

     
     
     
    
    

chapter thirty eight

{ unedited }

    
     
    
     
     

[ trigger warning ; panic attacks ]

CHRISTMAS CAME BY STEADILY BUT ROWAN FELT NOTHING OF THE SORT. Three days into the winter break, Rowan had never felt so lonely. In the past, the lead-up to Christmas was always hectic for the Rivera siblings. Cameron would wake Rowan up by jumping on her bed until she got up. She would make them breakfast and then they did a different thing each day for the entire week, two days before and three after. The first was always baking as well as their annual gingerbread house competition. The second was going to a Christmas market. On Christmas, they'd attempt to make a full roast meal which usually took up the entire day. The day after the beloved holiday, they'd have a Christmas movie marathon. The fourth day was game night which was more so Rowan watching Cameron play his Pokemon games. The fifth day was helping out at the local food bank and giving all their leftover baked goods, which was always a lot, to those who needed it more than they did.

That was the way it had always been since Grace left.

Until this year.

Rowan had done absolutely nothing this year, most of her days being wasted away in her bed. The only times she left her room were for food or the bathroom. She did, on some level, feel bad for Bob since he took her in when no one else would but she was not spending time with him. But Bob didn't push. He understood this would be a hard time for her so he made sure to give her space and keep the fridge stocked with food she could reheat for herself or ingredients so that she could cook.

Rowan always settled for the former.

It had also been a while since she has heard from Stevie and Abby. By a while, she meant four days. Not since that day she smoked. Rowan still didn't see the big deal with it but Stevie was holding a grudge for whatever reason and Abby, well Rowan wasn't sure. Rowan had tried to get a hold of the girl many many times but it wasn't working well for her.

Rowan wasn't sure what she could've done to annoy Abby but she chose to just leave it.

There was no point in forcing Abby's attention. Abby would talk to her whenever she wanted. So, on the second day of nothing, Rowan gave up. She kept her phone on vibrate and beside her at all times in case of a message, headphones plugged in and music blasting.

She hadn't had any luck yet.

So, Rowan was lonely.

She had been alone most of her life. It was something she loved, to be by herself. She didn't care that she had no one growing up because she was fine with how she was. She didn't care that she had no friends to talk to in and out of school, she didn't care that she was considered too mature for her age, and she certainly didn't care that all she had for company was her younger brother. Because Rowan was okay with that. She was content. She was alone but never lonely.

Not until now.

Some might think there's no difference between alone and lonely but Rowan would disagree. To be alone does not mean being doomed to loneliness. Sometimes, a person's best company is themselves. So why would being alone with such be so horrible? It wasn't. That's where people get confused. Because it is not being alone that is bad but the loneliness that comes from the discomfort of it. You could be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel lonely. Because that is more than being alone. It is feeling alone. A small change but the biggest difference. Many people are alone at most points in their lives but it's the feeling alone that hurts. It's feeling like you have no one, feeling like there's no one you can depend on, feeling like there's no one who will understand because how could they? They've never gone through anything like it.