Love and the Luftstreitkrafte

Part 8: The Reason

I awoke to the clink of silverware as Rosalind set the table.

"I hope you're staying for dinner, otherwise I'll have made far too much tuna bake," she remarked, upon seeing me awake.

I didn't have any food at home anyway. "If it's not too much trouble..."

"Not at all. It's easier to cook for two."

I sat up and rubbed my face. My uniform was a bit creased. The tie was coming undone, so I took it off to do up again later.

I felt like I had just surfaced from murky waters into clear air. I could hardly believe what I had been doing and thinking the past few days. It was like a bad dream. I was profoundly relieved that some corner of my brain had retained the sense to come to Rosalind before I had done any more harm.

I still felt guilty about making Emmaline cry, but it was as if all my low levels of guilt for continuing to be in love with her had suddenly crested. I was done with all of that. I wouldn't avoid her completely, but I wouldn't seek her out.

"How are you feeling?" Rosalind asked from the kitchen.

"A lot better, thank you." I got up. "Anything I can do to help?"

"I'm just about done. You can open the wine, I suppose."

I couldn't help smiling as I levered the cork out. Wine and tuna bake was such a Rosalind thing.

We had dinner. Pinkerton had some of the tuna without the rest of the bake.

I felt I should apologize for being a complete disaster only a few hours before.

"Look, I appreciate all you've done for me. And I'm really sorry for putting you through all this trouble."

Rosalind lowered her glass. "You haven't put me through any trouble."

I thought she was just saying this to mollify me. "Well, you listened to all my stupid misdeeds, let me sleep on your sofa, and even cooked for me—and that's just today. I don't know how you have the patience to put up with me on a regular basis."

Rosalind's brows knitted. "Ollie, I have never thought of you as a bother."

I thought this was a bit much, considering her expression at that moment was not the sunniest. And she had been glaring absolute daggers at me earlier that afternoon.

"Come off it, Rose," I said uncomfortably.

"I mean it, Ollie," she insisted. "Yes, I might get impatient sometimes, but that's just me. It doesn't mean I'm not ten times happier that you're with me than anywhere else."

I couldn't understand what had gotten into her. The best explanation I could think of was that she was acting out a role of some kind, to console me.

Rosalind reached for my hand. "Ollie, there's something I've—"

Alarm bells rang in my head, and I moved my hand out of her reach. Some part of me was worried she was about to do something she would regret, out of some misplaced concern for me. "You don't have to do that."

"Do what?"

"Act like that. Like you're in love with me or something." I said this a trifle dismissively, because I thought she was acting, and I wanted to give her a chance to back out gracefully.

But she didn't reply, and my words hung in the air, and I started to regret the tone I had used.

I looked at her.

She sighed. Her face was flushed.

"Really?" I asked incredulously, but I could feel my face warming as well. If Emmaline had invited me in to split a bottle of wine, or laid her head on my shoulder, or touched my face while looking into my eyes, I might have been forgiven for thinking I had a chance. Emmaline hadn't done any of those things, but Rosalind had.

Rosalind smiled, but it was pained. "Really."

"Since when?"

"I don't know, fifth form?" she muttered, taking a little sip of her wine.

"That's impossible. I was an absolute clodpole in fifth form."

Rosalind gave a nervous giggle. "You were a bit. I thought you were sweet."

"I mean, that was the year they started calling tripping backwards over a wicket 'doing an Oliver.' They're probably still calling it that to this day."

She gave a more normal laugh, then lowered her gaze. "You also told Pip Bowman to shove off, and he was twice your size."

Memory surfaced. I remembered being so relieved when Pip had just called us sissies and stalked away. Pip wasn't known for pulling any punches.

"I can probably thank Charlie for that. He was always making sure I didn't get too roughed up."

Rosalind shrugged. "Maybe, but Charlie had left school by then."

That was a point.

"I actually thought you were keen on Archie Fisk," I admitted.

Rosalind looked a little put-out. "I like Archie alright, but no more than anyone else."

"Huh."

I was stalling. I felt her confession deserved a response, but it was too much to process, a total shift in how I saw her. I had been positioning myself as her friend and supporter long before I cared about girls one way or the other. When she told me about seeing spirits, I listened to her. When she told me she felt she was a girl, not just girly, I believed her. When she got in trouble for saying something clever to the wrong person, I tried to cover for her. If I had ever felt any attraction to her I had immediately dismissed it, for fear of ruining the friendship that we had.

"Maybe I shouldn't have said anything," Rosalind murmured. She was searching my face. "I know I'm being unfair. If you need me to let you go, I can try. But I want to stay with you.."

My inclination—or at least my habit—was to apologize and move on, to change the subject, to say something to lighten the mood. But I knew that would be cruel. I forced myself to seriously consider how I felt, and how she might feel.

It took me a bit too long, and Rosalind's nerve broke. She muttered something and got up to tidy away the dishes.

I automatically stood to help. "Um, Rose. I really don't want to lose you. You mean a lot to me. But I don't want to hurt you either, and I think I've already hurt you without meaning to. You deserve someone who loves you completely. I'm just...not sure if I can be that person for you. And I'm scared to try, in case I just end up making things worse and hurting you again."

Rose set her pile of plates and silverware by the sink and came back to where I was standing by the table. She made me put down the casserole dish so she could take my hand, gently tracing the lines of my palm with her thumb.

"I never want to miss out on something wonderful, just because I was scared of being hurt. If that's the only thing stopping you, then I still want to try." She gave a small smile that still had a hint of sadness to it. "Or are there other reasons you don't think it'll work?"

I looked into her eyes. "No, that was it."

Rosalind blinked and her smiled wobbled. "I love you Ollie..."

I let go of her hand so I could wrap her in a hug.

It was not very long at all before I could say I loved her back.