Ad Astra

Chapter 35

A letter comes for me later that day. I excitedly tear open its contents in the privacy of my room and scan the contents quickly. What I read astonishes me. For the first time since I arrived to Esterpool, my mother is celebratory in tone. I take pride in the way she praises me and how she notes how much she has learned from Haukea as well. Though she cannot write too much, it seems the plan will take place in less than a month's time. Very soon, Prince Stephan will die by my hand. The idea is favorable to me, especially considering how poorly he treated Asteria.

I lower the letter back on my desk and sit back. I want to be happy with this letter. Since my arrival to Esterpool, I have felt nothing but guilt from my mother's scorn over how poorly of a job I was doing spying. Now, she praises me, tells me how much progress I have made, and yet...I am still not happy. I hate that when I think of murdering Prince Stephan, my first thoughts go to Asteria, rather than how much it will benefit my own country. I hate that each time I force myself to distance myself from her, my heart breaks just a little.

Once again, my eyes linger toward my door. I finished many of my chores this morning, meaning that there is no excuse for me to not spend time with Asteria. Perhaps I could go to her now, offer for us to walk in the garden together, but I know it will undo the hard work I have done already to drive us apart. I return to looking at my letter, reminding myself of what is truly important. I remain in my bedroom.

In the evening, I dine with Asteria. I keep our conversation brief and surface-level, merely discussing the food and asking how her day was. Asteria responds with all politeness, but I can tell she is bothered. Unfortunately, it is no longer my goal to make sure her nature is cheerful. I need to act as her head maid and nothing more at this point.

As we head back to Asteria's bedchambers after dinner, she grasps my wrist in her doorway.

"Will you stay tonight?" she asks quietly. "After Josie is done readying me for bed, of course."

I shake my head. "I have a headache. I do not want to trouble you with my tossing and turning. But I will be there first thing in the morning to dress you."

Asteria's hand falls limply to her side. "Good night, Fe."

"Good night," I respond, my heart breaking as I say it.

When I return to my room, I light a candle and dress into my red nightgown. Once more, I read over my mother's letter, hoping her praise will be enough to convince me I am making the right decision. It hurts to admit that it doesn't.

Sighing, I slide the letter away and lay on top of my bed, staring at the ceiling. I had thought I had made the right choice that last day in Magewell. I am nearing the end of my mission. Soon, my country may be freed. Soon, Kiana and I can go home to Tetoa. And yet, I am still not happy, nowhere near as happy as I was when I was spending my time with Asteria. A few tears drip down my cheeks, which I quickly wipe away. If my mother saw me now, she would think I was pathetic, pining over some colonizer princess when my country is at stake.

I clutch my pillow towards my body and sigh. I miss Asteria. Who knew a week away would be so torturous? It's worsened even more by the fact that I now realize how much I love her, and my heart hurts knowing how I will probably never have the chance to tell her. Besides, there will be no future for us anyway, even if she is spared in the plan.

I sit up to turn out the lamp near my bed, submitting to my fate of tossing and turning until exhaustion overtakes me, but then, a frantic knock comes at my door, so loud that it jolts me. I quickly rush to the door, trying to imagine what could be so important at this hour. Did something happen to my family? Was there an issue with the maids that Alba had to tell me?

I open my door quickly, expecting Alba on the other side, but instead, I find Asteria in her purple nightgown. Her hair is unsmoothed from her pillow. Like me, she was probably trying to sleep and finding herself unsuccessful as well.