A Journey of A Lifetime

08- Back to Strangers

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. We hadn't texted in a month. I had put an indirect message, "Gimme a sign" on my close friends' story, hoping to get a sign from him that he still wanted to keep in touch. But so far, there has been nothing.

I sat back on my bed and stared at my screen, thinking about everything that had happened over the past few years. I thought about the years I spent crushing on him, blushing at the very mention of his name, and wishing I was his girlfriend. I thought about the days we texted freely and the times we met. When he asked me out, only to be rejected by me each time. I knew that by rejecting him, he was hurting, and so was I.

We were like two broken hearts trying to heal, but since we belonged to two different faiths, our relationship was forbidden. I had promised my parents that I wouldn't date until I was independent and earning money, especially not someone of a different religion, so I had to keep my promise.

A few hours later, I heard my phone buzzing. I jumped up and grabbed it. It was a message from him.

"🤫"

I stared at the emoji for a long time, trying to figure out what it meant. Did it mean that he was still interested in me? Or did it mean that he had moved on? I didn't know what to think. All I knew was that I was confused and hurt. We weren't even dating, and yet this felt like a breakup.

I felt intrigued and wanted to know what he meant, but I was in no mood. I sent him an "👀" emoji and just assumed he moved on. It stung but I knew I had to move on even though it would be difficult.

As I tried to process my emotions, I couldn't help but replay our interactions in my mind. It was clear that there had been a strong connection between us, but now it seemed to have dissipated into uncertainty.

The "👀" emoji I sent felt like a feeble attempt to mask my true feelings, a desperate defense mechanism to protect myself from further disappointment. Deep down, I longed for clarity and closure, but I also knew that I had to prioritize my own well-being.

Tears flowed down my cheeks, and acid crept up my throat. My heart was racing, and I was starting to feel breathless. I went to the washroom and splashed water on my face, hoping to wash away my negative thoughts. I didn't want to have another anxiety attack. But that didn't seem to work. Within no time, I was back to crying. At that moment, all I wanted was to be hugged by someone. I felt choked up and alone. I needed to talk to someone.

I took a screenshot of Steven's chat and sent it to Joanna.
"He moved on 🙂"

"You know, he really liked you..."

"You hurt him; what did you expect?"

"You're right. I didn't mean to hurt him, but I didn't have a choice."

"You could've at least tried."

"😔"

"It's ok, there's plenty of fish in the sea!"

I sighed and thought it would be better if I studied. Besides, I did have an exam the next day. I tried studying, but my mind was elsewhere. I slapped my thigh to stop it from shaking. I was battling with my thoughts about whether I should text him or not.

"Should I text him?" I asked Andrew.

"No. He is clearly saying that he's tired of love."

"I wish it never came to this."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Were you the only girl he used to talk with?"

Now that I thought about it, I wasn't sure. I didn't mind him hanging out with his friends. I never really questioned him about it.

"I don't know..." I replied.

"Aghhhh to be honest, you can't be. There are so many girls crushing on him."

"You're right." "I shouldn't have texted him, knowing that we didn't have a chance."

"Aghh there was."

"No, there isn't."

"There wasss!!"

"If I'm dating someone, I would want that person to be with me forever. Not just a year or two."

"Obviously. That's the reason I am dating. I believe in the long run."

"Your case is different. You have support, and you both are of the same age and religion."

"It's fine I think I'm starting to lose the idea of falling in love."

"According to my experience, once upon a time when I liked Loren, I was like, This is love; you get butterflies. But heck no, it was not. But with Jo, it is, 'cause we have arguments and misunderstandings, but we still sort them out with the trust we have in each other. You can't always be happy-go-lucky; you have to be patient. And ego shouldn't come in between."

"I guess you're right"

I kept my phone aside and decided to take a shower, hoping it would clear my mind.