Y E L L O W_

this is who we are

this is who we are
borderline is like living without skin
but my skin is scarred and bloody
i don't know who i am
i'm seeking the thrill
i'm seeking admiration
but i never know what's real
i can't trust anybody
borderline makes you the loneliest person on earth
all your friends, all of your family, all of your partners
they get thrilled by your intensity
they develop feelings for the mirror i'm putting up
they develop feelings for the persona i pretend i am
they wouldn't love the actual me
and the worst part is, i don't have an 'actual me'
i don't have a single clue who i am
even when i'm on my own, there's nothing to me
my personality is so distorted
so disordered
i'm dying several deaths inside
and all those who reach our
all those who want to be there for me
they never can
because i can never reach out
they are prepared for tears and sadness
but nobody can handle the hurricanes storming out of me
the screams
all the destruction
the pure horror in their eyes when i scratch my skin to the bone
the utter shock when i start hitting myself until my skin splits
i am a tornade of despair, pain and destruction
and the worst part is -
maybe some could take it
but that's a burden you can never put onto somebody else
you have to survive on your own
i have to survive on my own
and i have to live with the consequences of my own actions
because i can never get enough
and i get bored with people so easily
i am addictive
i am fascinating
i can listen
and dear god
i can understand
i don't put myself first
so many people have been obsessed with me
but that's all there is to me
i am a short term obsession
no one could ever truly love me
and i can love so intense
no one i love could ever love me back the same
i am the unbeaten champion of the 'i love you more' game
i am one of the most toxic people i've ever met
i don't know how i live with myself
i am evil
this is who we are
but i don't want to be
my inner child doesn't want to be the perspn i am
but i live in scarred skin
and the world thinks i'm clean
so i keep lying
i follow my impulses
i don't know what to do with goodness when it's given to me
so i rip it apart, throw it in the dirt and watch it rotting and decaying
or maybe i'm too scared of people close to me?
maybe my subconciousness drives me insane
i'm borderline
this is who we are
i live in the border
between extremes
always halfway dead
only ever half alive
and right now i'm choking
on my feelings once more
i tried to deny it
i'm so good at being in denial
i am manipulative
people never believe me
but only because i manipulated them
into believing i'm broken but good
i'm not good
and if i was honest for once
no one would doubt it for a second
this is who we are