Empathy [Josh Dun - Twenty One Pilots]

Monday, August 19th 2013

Journal!

I found you again. And I just need to vent.

Things have changed a lot since the last time I wrote here. Like, drastically. But I have a lot of explaining to do, since I haven't written here since... Oh. Since that night at Debby's. Well, let's start by that then.

After the disastrous night we spent together, things went downhill. At first, I thought it was nothing in particular. It was summer, after all, and Debby has a pretty rich family, so she usually goes on vacation abroad quite a lot. She went to France then England for a month, during which we rather frequently Skype'd. Maybe I was already wearing blinding goggles, but I thought everything was okay. We shared some laughs and she didn't seem quite different than the Debby I know. We hadn't brought up the topic of that night yet though, and I could somehow sense that this was something we'd have to talk about eventually. But as it didn't seem to bring any tension betweenus, I had no problem letting it slip away. It was a one-time thing anyway, and I'd make sure it would never happen again.

Thing is, it had no chance of happening again, at all, since I haven't seen Debby after that. Or very briefly. Turns out her grandmother's health got pretty bad, and while I do count that as a valid excuse, she always seemed to find other ridiculous reasons not to see me. She was running errands with her mom, going to the lake house with her cousins for some family bonding, or sometimes even, she just didn't feel well. In the mean time, I was having some kind of troubles in my friendship with Ethan and almost the rest of our group, but that's something I'll get into later. All this to say that I know I wouldn't have acted the way I did if it weren't for everything I was going through at that time.

A week before school started again, I decided to take matters in my own hands, and I went to Debby's house. I thought that maybe, indeed, she wasn't feeling okay, what with her grandmother dying and everything, and that I was the one at fault for not trying too hard. I thought that maybe she did need my shoulder to cry on, but was too proud to even admit it, let alone ask.

"Hello, Joshua," Debby's father said with a smile when he opened the door, "what brings you here?"

I resisted the urge to reply something along the line of "Your daughter, duh!" and played it cool and polite, like my mom told me I should. "Well, I was hoping to see Debby, if she's here?" I said, my eyes drifting away to the ground. "Please?" I added for good measure. I heard him sigh, and I'm sure if I'd had the guts to look up into his eyes, I would have seen a "sorry" face that adults pull when they don't know how to intervene in a teenage issue.

Debby's dad took a step forward, closing the door silently behind him. "Listen, Joshua..." he started, making my heart pound hurtfully in my chest, "I know you're a nice guy, and quite frankly, I don't know what happened between you two, because Debby hasn't been willing to speak about anything lately." Gently, he put a friendly hand on my shoulder, and I could already feel tears forming in my eyes. I had no idea what to expect, and at the same time, I think I knew. "But she just... she just doesn't want to see you, boy."

My head shot up, and the first glance into M. Ryan's eyes struck me like an arrow. A very sharp arrow. Right in the heart. I bit the inside of my cheeks in order not to scream, tasted blood in my mouth and repressed that gag reflex that almost made me throw up on his shoes. "Oh," was all I could say at first. But I saw Debby's dad stretch a pitiful smile across his face, and I couldn't hold it anymore. "But... why?" I asked, suddenly sounding so desperate I thought I would make him cry.

He sighed again, obviously embarrassed. "Listen, boy..." he started, scratching his stubble nervously, "Go home, have fun with your friends while it's still summer. I'm sure she'll come around. You know how girls are, right?"