Maybe, You Will See Me Now

012

Andrew felt lost. Her words made it clear that she wasn't accepting anything he just said. On one hand, he felt worried and on the other, he felt relieved for having eventually gone through this. He accepted the fault was his. Never should he have said yes to something he wasn't sure about. She convinced him that dating her would be like getting to know themselves. Then, before he knew it, their relationship had a label.

Again, he sighed. This time, less quiet.

* * *

One more time, Ijeawele turned on her bed that night. Finally, she lay on her back and stared at the ceiling. A sleepless night is nothing new for her. She has been having it since her marriage fell apart. But tonight, was different. Tonight, something else kept her awake. The image of Andrew. Specifically, the memory from earlier. The one in which she ignored his smile and pretended not to know him. The haunting memory of his smile diminishing burgled with her thoughts. It tried to riddle her with guilt. Ijeawele wouldn't let it. Thus, her restless state.

She got off her bed and walked to the kitchen where she poured herself a half cup of water to drink. Rather than gulping down at once, she took her time. She drank little by little. Even after she was done, her mind was still not at peace so she walked to the room. There, she picked up her pillow and duvet. Ijeawele turned on the television and lay on the couch.

She often changed channels, looking for something entertaining to distract her from her thoughts. Eventually, she gave up and settled on a channel showcasing a Nollywood movie. The characters seemed extra so that was enough to somehow get her invested in it. It worked because close to an hour later, Ijeawele fell asleep.

At work the next day, Ijeawele stepped out of her office with a small water bottle in hand. She got to the dispenser and realised the water was finished. There was another downstairs. Without giving it another thought, she went downstairs. While she approached the dispenser, Ijeawele saw Andrew getting some water using a foam cup. Then, he was drinking it. Surprise invaded her. Immediately, she stopped in her tracks. Ijeawele looked left and right. Inside her head, she was panicking. This was someone she spent the entire yesterday avoiding. She still wanted to keep it that way. But she was only a few steps away from him. Damn her for realising too late. She worried that turning away right now would make him notice her. Regardless, Ijeawele ignored that thought and turned back.

"Ijeawele," Andrew called and she froze. Ijeawele lightly bit her lower lip in regret, shutting her eyes as she did. When she opened them, he was in front of her. It took everything in her to retain her composure and control her expression.

The first few seconds were in silence. Ijeawele wouldn't meet his gaze and keep at it. But she was determined to not look rattled.

"Can I help you?" She asked, succeeding in uplifting herself. Painting the ambiance of someone who's a stranger to the other.

There was a faint frown between his brows. He lowered his eyes from hers for a short term. Ijeawele prayed in her heart that he would make this easy and walk away. Yet, he did the opposite when he lifted his gaze back to her.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

Ijeawele stared at him. Mostly because she was unsure of what words to use and how to reply to him. What route would make this any easier for her?

"I'm not avoiding you. We're just as we always have been."

His brows furrowed deeper. "I don't understand."

"You work here. I work here. That's the only connection we have."

His furrow dissolved. Her words were clear to him.

"I thought we were past that."

She folded her arms below her chest. "You thought wrong." Ijeawele's front was strong and tough. It was easy to mistake her no-nonsense appearance as a genuine thing.

Again, Andrew lowered his eyes from her. This time, they lurked left and right. She knew he was thinking about her words. She hoped he would accept them as they are. Mostly because she wasn't sure what she would do if he doesn't.

"You want me to hate and ignore you," Andrew stated as his eyes were back on her.

"It wouldn't be the first time anyone felt that way about me." Ijeawele's reply enunciated her act of I-couldn't-care-less.

"I don't hate you. I don't think I'll ever be able to hate you."

His words softened her resolve. She had felt it was better to be mean while passing across her preferences to him. Now, Ijeawele was unsure about the approach she started with.

She unfolded her arms. A quiet sigh followed. "You might not think so now but it's better if we return to before you handed your handkerchief to me."

The short silence between them was heavy. Andrew would've liked to ask questions based on that sentence. But he had come to understand a bit about the person she was. He knew she was afraid. Afraid of what new path his presence in her life could be presented to her.

Better safe than sorry.

Ijeawele tried to walk past him but he started to speak.

"I don't want to go back to hiding while stealing glances at you." She stared at him, a little wide-eyed. His bravery while using those words was new to her. It stirred up feelings.

"Don't ignore me. I won't do the same no matter how hard you try."

Not once had he looked away from her while he spoke. The look in his eyes convinced her that he meant every word he said. He walked away, leaving her speechless.

Ijeawele shut her eyes momentarily. His words were in full repetition in her head. She had questions for him that she feared the answers. She was a swirl of emotions. Ijeawele wanted to hate him for being stubborn. At the same time, deep in her heart, she felt a sense of joy that he saw her in such limelight. Ijeawele always thought she knew what she was doing. Whenever she made a decision, no matter how long it took, she always stuck by it. With Andrew, her decisions were unstable. He was capable of filling her thoughts and making her worry.

Ijeawele was scared. Scared of whatever this was. Although, at the back of her mind, unacceptable to her, she somehow knew what direction she was headed for.

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