Fake It - OP

Chapter 34

Trigger warning, mentions of SA, and brief mentions of eating disorders/disordered eating.

***

Spa is the one racetrack on the calendar that almost every race fan dreams of attending at least once in their lifetime. As it's always been one of my dreams one would think I might be a bit happier to be here but in truth, I would rather be anywhere but here.

Over the last few months modelling has taken off for me, so much so that I'm looking into renting my own apartment just outside of Monaco so I don't have to burden Lily and Alex all the time when I stay there as their third wheel. It's turned into my full-time job, with this fake dating thing with Oscar like the part-time side gig that you hate but it's decent money. But I'm not getting paid, I'm just apparently addicted to breaking my own heart. I still love the racing, still love being a guest in the paddock, but being here is growing more and more exhausting, not physically, but emotionally.

Oscar and I have gotten closer, in means of being comfortable around each other. More like a friend you've known forever kind of thing. But emotionally we couldn't be further apart. Every time I try to talk to him he seems to withdraw further, like he cant stand to talk to me. Even holding hands, something that felt so electric a few months ago is exhausting and cold now. Not only has he withdrawn, but I couldn't help my own distancing either. I've given up on trying to have real conversations with him, the comfortable silence we once had between us is nothing but uncomfortable, and my broken heart is tired.

Lily and Alex, Lando even, they've really pitched in. I'll be the first to admit I'm different. I haven't picked up a book in ages, the diet they have me on for the modelling comprises a lot of complex recipes I can't afford to cook, and I have a hard time doing the simplest daily tasks. I'm not depressed nessisarrily. I've been there before so I know it isn't that bad, but I'm more tired than I've ever been. They seem to have noticed, despite my efforts. Lily, Alex and I schedule one night while we are all back in Monaco to cook a big meal together and it tends to make enough to be my meals for the time I'm in Monaco. Usually, I can't handle the spice the two of them like and it ends up being a 'make fun of Blakes's red face' moment. But their efforts are appreciated. Lando seems to have noticed how I'm a bit off too, although he's never said anything he helps keep the cameras and media away when Oscar isn't around.

Granted Oscar and I don't see each other much at all lately, outside of what's necessary, so I guess you could say Lando has stepped up in sort of an older brother protective way. The fact any of them have noticed I'm different is enough to make me feel guilty and terrible in a different way.

No matter how I'm feeling though, no matter how tired I am, I'm still here. Some stupid part of me won't let this fake dating thing go wrong. As I said, I'm addicted to getting my heart broken. So here I am in Belgium in Oscar's gigantic raincoat that I'm sure is too big on him and hence way too big on me, in the torrential rain walking through the paddock. The large hood makes me feel like darth vadar and I'm not sure the cameras can even see my face from behind it. Despite the downpour, my hand is so far the only wet thing, and that's because it's intertwined with Oscar's. My hand is cold, and not just because of the weather. It seems it's not just our feelings that have gone cold between us but our bodies stopped reacting to each other's touch too.

Another pang goes through my chest. It's probably not intimately possible, but it makes sense.

When we reach the Mclaren building I offer Lando a quick smile when he greets us at the door. Oscar is already running behind schedule but I don't stay to hear Lando or anyone else ridicule him about it. Instead, I wander off down the hall into Oscar's driver's room. I have an hour to relax while he's in meetings before I'll head to the hospitality suite so Oscar can be alone to prep before qualifying. The last thing he needs before a wet qualifying is to see me and have to think about our situation. I don't need to burden him.