Nyx

Car ride

It's been about a month that I've lived here, It's been going okay for the most part.

My 'family' still hates me for some reason and I hate them for many understandable reasons.

Adelina is crawling everywhere and decided to stop sleeping all of a sudden.

Lev has been extra emotional lately and has been talking about his dad a lot.

I'm slowly losing my sanity and feel like I'm going back into my depression hole again.

I haven't self harmed in over a year but yesterday Adelina wouldn't stop crying and stayed up all day, Lev was seeing things and has been sobbing uncontrollably.

I just had the urge to feel something other than desperation for help.

I've never gotten help though.

Not when I had Lev, Not with Adelina, Not when I was tortured for years.

I've just never expected help, but I know I long for it.

I think I need Daniella to watch the kids tonight but if I let her I'll feel bad.

I can't feel bad right now.

I just can't.

Sighing, I pick up a screaming Adelina.

Lev has sound cancellation headphones on while he plays on his IPad.

I give her my breast only for her to refuse it.

I bounce her.

I change her.

I give her a bath.

I cuddle her.

Nothing works.

It only makes her more fussy.

I give her one of the teething rings and she finally stops crying.

I hate when babies teeth.

I put Adelina on the floor needing to pee.

When I'm about to close the bathroom door, I hear Lev crying.

I slowly make my way to him.

"What's wrong baby?" I ask him.

"I lost my game" he tells me.

I wrap him in my arms and kiss his forehead.

"Try again baby" I tell him then go to the bathroom.

It's about noon now and I just finally got a moment to myself within the last 12 hours.

I pee and wash my hands.

Adelina starts crying again.

I pick her up and give her one of my fingers.

I go to Lev and tell him that it's time for lunch.

He skips out of the room and into the dining room.

He does it slowly of course though, so he stays in my view.

I take out a premade sandwich I made for Lev yesterday night.

I get some baby food for Adelina and sit down.

Lev chomps down and Adelina happily eats the baby food.

Adelina is staring to eat more of soft solid kinds of foods instead of my breast milk.

Once I give Adelina the last spoon full her bottom lip trembles.

I quickly pick her up and pat her back.

It helps nothing and she starts very loudly sobbing.

I grab hold of Lev's hand and drag him upstairs again.