Our fallen souls [EN] (High Enough) : VOLUME 1

24 - Blake

My words are harsh, but my voice remains strangely calm.

"I hope it works out, so you don't have to defend me and watch Jo anymore."

"Yeah."

"Blake, you should tell her," he insists.

"Tell him what? That I'm sorry?"

"Now that she's out of danger, you two should talk. And I also know it's not just something like that."

"Jo doesn't deserve a guy like me, she deserves much better. Besides, I don't even know how I feel, I don't understand a fucking thing. Believe me, Clyde, she'll be better off without me," I say, scathing.

I get up.

"Where are you going?"

"To buy a drink, you've made me feel like drinking."

"Blake, that's not the solution, you know it."

"I don't care."

I enter the small grocery store with its aggressive neon lighting, which burns my eyes. I'd gotten used to the darkness outside, but this sudden brightness is almost unbearable.

The guy behind the counter, with his blank stare, gives me my change without a word, wearing a zombie-like expression. Then he sits down again, his eyes riveted on the TV behind him. I hear the volume rise sharply as I'm about to leave the grocery store, drawing my attention.

"A criminal organization has just been arrested in Washington State."

My body freezes. I stand motionless in place, nearly dropping my bottle.

"Among these criminals are two juveniles, aged nineteen and twenty, both involved in arms and drug trafficking. The leader of the gang was arrested and taken into custody, as was his accomplice, his wife. We will have more information to share with you at a later date."

My heart stops, as does my brain. It takes me about a minute to digest all this. I hesitate to send Joséphine a message. After all, I did this for her too.

I step out of the grocery store and take a deep breath before grabbing my phone from my back pocket. A shiver runs through my body. It's cold, and I'm wearing only a T-shirt and a denim jacket.

My fingers are trembling, like when they gave Shelby and James away. However, what I feel now is different. I couldn't honestly explain it. There's hesitation, on the one hand because I feel I've really let her down, but also incomprehension.

Why should I feel this way? If this is love, it's clearly freaking me out. I admit I missed her. In fact, I'm sure of it. Why do I feel like only she can understand me?

She's the only one who can break through the shell I've built for myself. That's one of the reasons I hold my phone in my hands. First, I ask Shawn for his number. I know he has it.

He answers almost immediately.

My finger hesitates over the phone icon.

Is this really a good idea? For her or for me?

I close my eyes and try to work up the courage to do it.

Why does she put me in this state? It's getting too heavy, too intense.

Still with my eyes closed, I slowly bring my finger closer to the icon, panting. This kind of reaction is ridiculous. It really is. But my body can't help itself. I feel too ashamed.

In a split second, my finger seems to touch the screen. I don't dare open my eyes.

If this is love: making you weak and helpless, I'd rather die.