Taken As Reward (The war of politics and love BOOK 2 )

26. Jazbatein

But he couldn't care less about my emotions! For my storms! For the despair, I feel! He simply pushed his hand in my hair and started to undo my Gajra, removing it completely.

The house was in utter silence, a darkness-filled room. His slow breathing, but no reply. Nothing.

His hands slowly groped my waist in their hold, as he pulled me on his chest, my back colliding, his legs that joined my legs, cuddling me in his arms.

No warmth can make the cold I felt every night in those rooms when my clothes were torn and thrown easy now! Nothing can let go of those nights.

"I am sorry, Zehra!" His lips were on my ear, a slow peck on the lobe before he uttered again, "I am so sorry."

How can a mere word compete with the life I have lived? You can not amend a broken mirror by attaching them with a weak bond of glue.

"Do you know, every night I was thrown with different men in the room in Chandravani haveli, for a mere three hundred or four hundred rupees? They were never considerate, they never cared how I was feeling. Most of the time they never even looked at my face. Their eyes just strolled on my body. As they ripped my clo-" I cried further, only if the use of words can make him understand my pain, can make him, he cut me off.

"Please, Zehra! Please don't! Please don't punish me like this!" He begged, begging me to stop!

Stop because he couldn't even hear it!

I lived it!

"They would turn me however they want, even if I beg them please don't do this to me! Even it cries and holds onto its feet! Telling them not to do it. They never cared and it was never found. It never became fine!" I wanted him to suffer, live in the sorrow he threw me with! The life he enjoyed while I was not around.

He says he cares! So why can't he just take my body, and not make me feel worse about me? Not make me feel like a whore again? Why he has to ask me to love him? What is he proving?

What kind of person am I?

But the way I have displayed myself, can I blame him?

He pulled me even closer, the more I sunk in him, the heavier my chest got, and the more hatred I felt towards him, I rightfully know he doesn't deserve it!

I was confused. And he was the only person I had to direct my anger.

I was upset he abandoned me, but he was not the one who sold me to the brothel.

He makes me feel like I am dirty because I throw myself but he did not ask me to do it.

My mind was in chaos and I ended up blaming him, but why did residing my pain into accounting for him for my life felt good?

The blaming turned into sharing my misery, so cruel, "And even that money I earned, all my money was taken by that Rafan, who did the same thing to me every night! Every night he raped me when everyone was done! I lived that life because you never saved me!" I wanted to hold him responsible, so maybe I can hate everything less!

I am the worst person, but dwelling my disruption into him lessens the heaviness in my chest.

"Do you think I like putting myself on the platter for you? Daiwik! I am shattering on every try! Shattering me more than those people because you keep refusing me. And making me feel even more horrible about myself! Like I truly am a whore who is waiting at the doorstep to be picked up! Please don't do that to me, please!"
I begged him myself, my own set of pain don't justify what I was doing to him! It doesn't, but I needed this! It was aching all over. My body, my mind! Everything was so much in pain.