Raindrops And Warm Hugs » maydays

this isn't the end

You've all been extremely, extremely supportive, and I appreciate and love that so much. I appreciate and love YOU so much. 

When I made this account, it was with the sole aim of making this place a safe space for everyone. A place where everyone could vent out, find comfort, forget reality, and be happy and content. I almost did make that place. 

Now that I have ruined all aspects of it, along with myself, I apologize for tearing you away from your safe place, from a 'haven' I created, from the corner of the internet that you told me you liked. I hope I can rebuild that place for as long as I live -- even if it's just one more day. 

I survived another day. It was so hard, it is still so hard. Don't worry; I'm not going to trouble you all again with such heavy news or acts that I could possibly commit. 

I am here to ask you to trust me again, believe in me again. Please try to find your peace here again. I will do everything it takes to help you find comfort again, and I'll truly be happy if you do. I love you a lot, Maydays. Thank you for saving me. 

Yesterday, as I went to my therapist, I wrote a piece of poetry on my way there. Almost sobbed in the car, but I thought I would share this with you:

Title: LAST NIGHT, I KILLED MYSELF 

Last night, I killed myself.
Through the thick veil of tears shone my cowardice,
Adorning an armor of rusted iron and blood —
The blood that now paints my hands
And that knife beside my corpse —
And I thought I was brave;
I thought I was brave to be able to slice my wrists,
So deep, so deep enough to draw my soul
Out of my body.
And there I stood,
Bodiless, mindless, heartless.

Last night, I killed myself.
I downed a glass of water,
And then another,
And then another,
And as I drank it, I saw the ground turning crimson,
Colored by the remnants
Of what used to pump in me;
I looked at the time, then:
Quarter to four in the morning, my parents lay asleep,
Snoring without any idea that I had taken my life.
So, I made myself some coffee,
Waiting for them to wake up to a sight
That would devastate them for the rest of their lives.

Last night, I killed myself.
The alarms went off an hour later,
Alerting me to gulp the final sip of my third cup of coffee,
And the second my sister walked in,
Troubled by her terrible sleep schedule,
She screamed in utmost horror.
A tear escaped my eyes,
Reminiscing about the time when she had held my hands in hers,
And I had looked at my uneven, broken nails,
And had complained about them;
Yet, she had told me they were beautiful the way they were.
Now, those nails, dipped in red,
Don't look so beautiful anymore.

Last night, I killed myself.
My parents woke up to my bloody corpse,
Now turned white;
I could hear their hearts cracking,
Breaking,
Shattering,
Yet, I stood before them,
Unable to apologize for causing them the agony
I had felt by myself, all this while.
They screamed and panicked and cried,
My dad held my lifeless head on his thighs,
My mother tried to shake me back to life,
My sister relentlessly cried.
There was no coming back now.

Last night, I killed myself.
I stood motionlessly behind the crowd,
Not a single syllable escaping my throat,
As I watched myself set ablaze on a pyre.
Everyone I had ever loved,
Everyone who had ever loved me —
They all wept and wailed
At the ripe hour of seven in the morning,
Right after the doctors had declared me dead.
The family that had nurtured me,
The friends I had always cherished,
The city I had been born in —
Everything had slipped from my grasp,
Like particles of sand upon being held hostage in a fist.
All that remained were the pained memories.

Last night, I killed myself.
And this morning, I realized that I wanted to live.
I wanted to sob until my eyes dried,
I wanted to yell until my throat bled,
I wanted to live until I had no spirit left in me.
I wished to comfort the people
Whom I had passed my pain onto.
I wished that I had hated the thought of killing myself
The second it had birthed in my mind.
I wished to unkill myself.

Last night, I killed myself.
Today, my soul remains tormented.

I'm sorry, I couldn't express myself better.

But as of now, I am staying. I love you.