Feel Real

Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

I was lying in bed with Daniel, watching the clock tick. It was Monday, dinner was hours away. I had spent the morning talking to people about how I felt and now I was finally allowed some space.

Daniel was concerning me. He almost hurt me and now he's talking about what happens when we break up? He says he loves me but anyone can lie. Maybe I'm too in love with him, too dependent on him. But I can't help to think he is telling the truth, he does love me. That he's so passionately in love with me that he'd almost hit me out of frustration for me to keep my life. So in love with me that he already has to prepare for the heartbreak that will occur if we break up.

After leaving the safe and structured walls of the mental hospital life won't be easy, not in the slightest. But if a relationship can flourish in the most depressing place on earth I think it can handle stupid high school. And we love each other, that's what really matters. If we love each other then we can get through anything.

Out of any person in this world Daniel understands me the best. I've opened up to him and through him I have figured out who I am. Without him I'd counting down the days I get out of here so I can kill myself, not finally enjoy my life. He has made me feel real, something no one else has managed to do. He makes me feel loved, respected, valued, beautiful, and safe. In his arms I feel like I can do anything.

I really hope I'm not doing something stupid, putting myself in a risky situation. I've shown Daniel all of me but maybe he hasn't showed me all of him. Maybe he has an explosive side, a shifty side.

Even thinking about Daniel being anything negative makes my stomach turn. Daniel is perfect, he loves me and I love him.

I don't know why I don't express my worries, we tell each other everything anyway, that's how we've lasted so long. The key to a lasting relationship is communication.

"Do you really love me?" I blurted out, Daniel arm wrapped around me. We hadn't been talking, I was deep in thought and he was doing whatever. We were in Daniel's room, doing nothing but being close and silent.

Daniel turned toward me, a baffled expression on his face. "of course I love you, Casey. What makes you think otherwise?"

"You almost hit me Daniel. You can get very angry. The other day you thought about us breaking up. If you were truly in love you wouldn't let the idea of us ending cross your mind." Tears started to stream down my face and all I wanted was for Daniel to wrap his arms around me, whispering to me everything was okay. He was so toxic to me, even when I was mad at him I wanted him to kiss away my tears. I wasn't even mad at him, I never could be.

"I get angry because like you, I am a deeply unhappy person with a past the haunts me. Remember when you were a complete bitch to me?"

"Don't make me feel like shit," I spat, still craving his touch.

"I'm not trying to. I just pent up my feelings until it's too much and I let it all out, angry at the world. With your held I've controlled that, I haven't gotten angry in a long time.

"When I almost hit you it was out of passion. I love you so much Casey, more than you know. And hearing you say you want to kill yourself makes me restless and angry. Having the love of your life take away her life isn't what I want. I would spend the rest of my life wondering what I could've done. I'm going to be a psychology major!

"Talking about breaking up was only me overthinking. I do this thing when I'm stressed, I think and think until my mind reaches the worst possible outcome. I don't want us to break up, ever. You are the one, Casey. I love you more than I will ever love another human being.