Feel Real

Chapter 14

 Chapter Fourteen

Friday morning and I sat with my parents and Racheal discussing my brother's funeral on Sunday and my release from the high security unit. Thanks to Sammy I was actually feeling better; my suicidal thoughts still lingered but I was considering not killing myself anymore. Sammy offered to come to my brother's funeral with me but I told her I'd rather be alone. Having her there for emotional support would be nice but she didn't know Sam, she doesn't deserve to mourn his loss when she didn't feel it like I did.

                Going back with the other patients made me nervous. They expected so much from me, I was their rock. And avoiding Daniel would be harder since I'll be easier to access. At least I'll be followed by staff at all times since I'm still considered a high risk. He'll still try to steal me away though. All I want is for him to sweep me off my feet and kiss me until my lips go numb. I can't have that though, I can't forgive him. I want to forgive him but he doesn't deserve it.

                Thinking that my brother's funeral is on Sunday makes me feel nauseous. Hopefully it isn't an open casket funeral because if I see his lifeless body I might kill someone. My mother told me I need to write something to speak at his funeral and I've tried but no words can contain the love and joy I felt when I looked at Sam. So much hope lived within his small body and it was ripped away from a dumbass human being. I can finally say I hate humans. Human beings are such an inconsiderate and selfish kind.

                Walking into the hospital felt uncomfortable. Sammy stood at my side and so did Racheal. As soon as the door opened everyone looked at me at stopped talking, some whispers flew through the crowd of patients but it was soon silent.

                "Sorry I'm not perfect," I mumbled and ran up toward my room as tears streamed down my face. I hated feeling like I disappointment and every single one of these patients held so much hope within me and I crushed it.

                I heard Sammy chase after me but I ignored her and continued walking until I hit a wall, or at least what I thought was a wall. That wall turned out to be Daniel. The look on his face was pure shock and excitement. My heart raced and then I scolded myself, I wasn't allowed to love him anymore.

                "Hi," he choked out.

                "Oh dear God not you," I said and rushed passed him, making my way to my room. All I need is sleep, sleep will solve all my problems. Is it bad that I miss high security?

                "Nice to see you too," Daniel called after me.

                I got to my room and opened the door and crashed into the bed. Tears streamed down my face and I began hyperventilating because I couldn't catch my breath with my face in my pillow. I heard the door latch open and expected to see Sammy, she had been racing after me. All I wanted was for Sammy to wrap her arms around me and stroke her hands through my hair and tell me everything was going to be okay even though we both knew that wasn't true. But when I turned around I saw a blurry Daniel.

                I fell back into my bed and mumbled, "I told you leave me alone."

                "Casey," he said with a voice full of longing. He sat next to me and put his hand on my back, at first I flinched but then I leaned into his touch. "Seeing you like this is killing me. Not being able to talk to you or kiss you or touch you is driving me insane. Ever since you've left the entire ward has an eerie feeling to it, it's like walking through a haunted house. You've given so many people hope including me and Sammy and seeing you so hurt has everyone else feeling hurt too."